&&&&< 12 > &&&&
 

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Chris took a step back in surprise at the words that the child flung at him that were accompanied by a lash of emotion over the bond.

Baffled by the accusation, Chris walked farther into the room watching his bondmate warily.  “What exactly are we talking about here?” he questioned carefully as he tried to rein in his own temper.

Ezra was not quite sure what he was the most upset about: Chris’ ability to shut him out, the fact that the Sentinel had once had another Guide, or that he had once had another Guide and not told him about it.  Buck’s innocent revelations had been something of a one-two punch and Ezra was still reeling from the blows.  In the face of his own internal conflict, he remained stubbornly silent, not knowing what to address first.  He just continued to glare fiercely at the blond man watching him.

“I can tell that you are upset, Ezra,” Chris told him after it became apparent the child was not going to respond to his earlier question, “but the bond doesn’t tell me why.  You need to tell me what’s wrong on so I can know what’s going on in that head of yours. Talk to me.”

That did it.  Ezra suddenly had his first target.  “Like you talked to me?” Ezra snapped back, outrage building a fire in his eyes.   “Like you tell me everything?”

Chris shook his head in angry exasperation at the response.  “Ezra...”

The boy shot off the sofa and stood in front of his Sentinel with clenched fists resting on tiny hips.  The pissed off little Guide should have seemed dwarfed standing toe to toe with the much larger male, but somehow the aroused power of the little empath seemed to compensate for what he lacked in physical stature.   Waves of invisible force flowed outward from the child with the might of a tsunami.  If any Guide or Sentinel had been there to witness this scene they would have been able to tell immediately that the child they were facing was Elite...and they would have been ducking for cover in the face of his ire.  As upset and irritated as he was becoming at the confrontation, a part of Larabee had to admit to a wave of pride over his bondmate’s strength.

“You shut me out!” the boy yelled furiously.  “I can tell.  I didn’t know you could do that before, but now that I do, I can feel where there are blank places in you; places you’ve closed off from me!”

Chris stiffened angrily as the reason for the whole scene was revealed.

“You are my bondmate, not my father-confessor.” Chris growled back at him coldly.  He was trying hard to maintain control of his temper, after all he was the adult here, but the anger radiating from the boy was feeding his own the way dry scrub did a forest fire and he spoke more harshly than he had intended, “You don’t have to know everything.  There are some things that are private and just aren’t any of your business.”

Ezra felt like he had just been verbally slapped and he instinctively struck back. With stunning force, the hurt coming over the bond was abruptly cut off.

As was all input from their bond.  

For the oh-so-talented Guide Elite, the simple knowledge that a wall was possible combined with the sudden intense desire to erect one between his tender soul and his bondmate was all it took to trigger the actuality, and have him slamming an impenetrable barrier down that completely blocked his Sentinel from his mind.  Apparently Buck would be able to forgo those particular lessons.

“You don’t think you having another bondmate before me is my business?” Ezra yelled as tears began to build in his eyes.  “You don’t think I have a right to know something like that?  You don’t think I have a right to know that I’m just a stand-in for somebody else?  Is that the kind of private thing you’re talking about? 

You said we belonged to each other.  You said I was your number one concern, but that wasn’t true! You don’t care about me! You don’t really want me at all!”

The little boy finally broke down and ran from the room with tears beginning to run down his cheeks.
 
The sudden severing of input from their bond had completely disoriented Chris. He could only stand frozen in a kind of pained shock at the loss of it as Ezra screamed at him.  All the while the child raged, he was overwhelmed with memories of another time when his bond had abruptly fallen silent -- to remain so forever.  Desperately, he mentally reached out for his bond with Ezra, afraid to feel the looming void that had swallowed his life with Sarah’s death.  His knees felt weak with relief when he could still feel the connection between them even though it was currently quiescent.

The slamming of the back door freed Chris from his immobility and he spun around to follow the boy. His anger completely forgotten in the wake of the shock he had just received, Chris’ one thought was to find his Guide.   

Ezra was already nowhere to be seen when Chris rushed out the back door.  He stood on the edge of the porch steps and cast his gaze around then drew in a deep breath.  He hurried down the steps into the backyard and headed toward the forest behind it as he honed in on the scent of his fleeing Guide.  

Ezra should have known better than to try and hide from him.  He may have been able to block Chris out of their bond but the man was still a Sentinel.  The scent of his Guide was locked in the most primitive part of the Sentinel’s memory, along with the sound of his Guide’s heartbeat. Chris could always track his bondmate no matter where Ezra might go.  It was a given.

The Sentinel Elite sped through the yard and into the trees following Ezra’s trail.  It wasn’t long before he came upon the child seated on a fallen tree.  The boy had his arms crossed across his knees and his face was pressed into them as he cried.

Chris slowed to a stop as he stood several feet away watching the child while he tried to decide the best way to proceed. He couldn’t help but feel saddened and guilty as he thought of how only earlier that morning Ezra had so stalwartly led him out of his world of pain and confusion when his senses had been beyond of his control.  Now it looked like the boy had been repaid for his accomplishment with nothing but a big dose of his own pain.  Pain that Chris himself had served up.  That was so wrong.  That wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.  It was never what he had intended.

Chris listened to the boy’s weeping and felt his throat tighten as emotion built up there.  He felt like weeping right along side the child.  Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Larabee silently walked over and knelt in front of Ezra but didn’t try to touch him yet, even though the yearning to do so was incredible.

“Ezra?”  he said softly, not wanting to startle the child. 

Ezra had known the moment his Sentinel had found him.  Even without their bond, the empath could feel the emotions that the man was projecting while standing there watching him. They were a maelstrom of competing feelings – anger, regret, sadness, guilt, loneliness, and fear all mixed into one negative mental cocktail.  It was enough to make Ezra’s head hurt just trying to pick them apart from each other.  He deflected them away so he would not have to deal with them.

“Ezra,” Chris tried again when he received no response to his first attempt.  “Look at me, please.”

The child stubbornly kept his head on his folded arms and Larabee sighed.  He reached out and began running his hand gently over the boy’s hair, using the touch not only to pet the unhappy child, but to ground himself.  The lack of information coming from their bond was still playing havoc with his mind.  He missed the warm presence of his Guide.  It was like having a limb amputated.  He needed the physical contact with the boy to keep calm; to remind himself that his Guide was alive and well -- relatively, anyway.

“Please, Ezra, look at me.”

The child finally gave into his soft plea and raised his head.  The emerald eyes were still wet and red.   Tear tracks clearly marked his pale cheeks.  The tip of his nose was red from crying.  Chris felt his heart break at the sight of his Guide’s obvious distress, and again he had to fight the urge to sweep the child up into his arms and hold him tight.  Only the knowledge that Ezra was angry with him, and not likely to accept the gesture kept him from doing it.

“Let me in, Ez,” Chris pleaded softly.

Ezra stiffened and tried to draw away from the hand on his head but Larabee lifted his other hand and held Ezra’s head between his two palms, gently but resolutely, not allowing the child to look away.  

“You know you want to, Ezra,” the Sentinel coaxed in a whisper. “You have to be feeling the loss just as much as I do. Let me back in, please.”

Ezra did feel it.  He was lost and adrift without the Sentinel’s steadying presence in his mind, but his hurt feelings and his pride refused to let him reach out for what he so badly needed.  The boy had felt rejected and, like any child would, felt the need to reject Chris in return.

Larabee dropped his head until his brow rested against the child’s.  He sighed heavily and closed his eyes to hold back his own tears.  How had things gotten so bad so fast?

“I’m sorry, Ezra.  I never meant to hurt you by not telling you about Sarah.  I just never...I  guess... I just assumed that you knew.  I thought the whole world knew. It was never a secret.    It was all over the news at the time.”  A bitter smile formed as he said, “The press certainly had a field day with everything that happened.  I honestly never considered the fact that you might not be aware of it.”

“Sarah was your Guide?” Ezra whispered, and felt a dull pain in his chest at the thought.

The Sentinel Elite nodded. “She was my Guide.  She was also my wife and the mother of my son.”

Ezra’s head snapped back and he looked at Larabee in surprise. “You have a son?”

Chris had to look away as he answered, “I had a son.  He died along with his mother.”

The little empath felt the intense sorrow and grief that overcame his bondmate and instinctively reached out to him.  The wall separating the bondmates shattered and both cried out with relief as they re-established contact with each other.  Chris gave into his need to hold the boy and released his grasp on Ezra’s head so he could wrap both arms around the child.  He sat back on the ground, pulling the child into his lap.

Ezra nuzzled his head under his Sentinel’s chin and squirmed nearer, feeling like he could not get close enough.

“Please, Ezra, don’t ever do that again,” Chris pleaded in a rough, trembling voice.  “You don’t know what it does to me.  I...”

The man’s words stumbled to a stop, unable to express verbally what he was feeling so acutely, but with the bond functioning as it should once again Ezra didn’t need words to know what his Sentinel was trying to express.  The emotions were there for him to read as plainly as if they had been written across the sky. Although there were still a few places where the boy could sense walls, Chris was more open than he had been since they bonded.  Ezra was shocked to learn exactly how much the other had been blocking from him.

Ezra focused on the pain and grief his Sentinel was feeling, and as he tightened his arms around the man physically he also gave him a mental hug to give the man what comfort he could.  He poured concern and caring into the wounded places he found in the Sentinel’s psyche as he tried to soothe the three year old wounds.  Chris absorbed his comfort as parched ground did rain, and began to relax into his Guide’s care.

“I won’t shut you out again, not completely,” Ezra told him, the promise now easy to make not only because it had caused his bondmate to suffer so, but also having felt the bitter emptiness of the loss for himself he did not want to ever repeat the experience.

“Not at all,” Larabee stubbornly tried to insist, and Ezra got a glimpse of the controlling side of the Sentinel’s nature Buck had warned him about.

Ezra pulled back enough to look him in the eye with gaze that seemed to be older that his nine years.

“Only if you promise the same,” Ezra returned firmly.

Chris mentally backed away from giving that promise and Ezra nodded as though he had expected this. Chris glared back at him in frustration and looked so much like a petulant little boy denied a treat that it suddenly sparked Ezra’s sense of humor and he grinned.  

Chris tried to stay annoyed but the combined relief of having things back to normal and the humor his bondmate was projecting at him was too much.  He fought the smile for as long as he could but eventually it broke through.  It proved to have a short lifespan as Ezra’s next words wiped it away again.

“Tell me about Sarah and your son.”  Ezra was not really sure that he wanted to hear this, but something inside him insisted that it was important for him to know so he could better understand -- and therefore help -- his Sentinel.

It had not been so much a request as an order from his Guide, and the Sentinel in him found it difficult to resist.  Chris hesitated, fighting against the desire to hug all his painful past to him and not share it, but holding back was what had started this whole thing in first place; had hurt his Guide. Anything that hurt the Guide was not something to be tolerated by any Sentinel.   Anyway, this was not something that the child could not find out on his own if he went looking for it. Most of it was public knowledge. It was better for Ezra to hear it from him.

The decision – reluctantly -- made, Chris settled the child against him more comfortably and began.  “I met Sarah a month after I started college.  Buck introduced us.  They were taking some classes at the Guild Hall together.  He was convinced that we were made for each other.   It took him almost a month to get us both to agree to meet. It was the shock of a lifetime to realize that he was right.”

The smile Chris gave at the memory was bittersweet, and Ezra began running his hand slowly up and down the Sentinel’s back as a means of giving the man silent support as he cracked open the locks on his memories.

“We played games with each other for three days, pretending we were thinking it over, but all the time each of us knew we had found our bondmate.  On the fourth day Sarah looked at me and said we were both fools to be wasting time when we never knew how much of that we would be given.”  A single tear rolled down his cheek as he whispered, “How right she was.”

Ezra reached up and gently wiped it away.  Burying his own hurt at listening to Chris reminisce about his relationship with another guide, the child waited patiently for the man to continue.

“We bonded right there and then.  It was the happiest I had ever been.  That was until we were married.  Then our lives just got better and better.  Everything seemed to be so perfect.  The only dark spot was that we wanted a child of our own but couldn’t seem to have one. We had been married for almost ten years by the time we got our wish.”  Chris seemed lost in his memories as he spoke to the silently listening boy.

“My son’s name was Adam, after Sarah’s grandfather,” he said with a sad little grin.  “He was the joy in our life, and he made it complete. We were so proud of him.   He had just turned five when he and Sarah were...were killed.  He had been looking forward to going to Guild kindergarten. He said he was going to go to the “office” every day just like me.  Sarah thought that was...was cute.” 

Larabee bit his lip to hold back the sob that tried to force its way out before he could continue.  “Three years ago, it was graduation night for the Guild High School.  I hated going to those kind of things but Sarah felt it was important to let the young people know they were valued enough to be worth their Guild Master’s time, so every year we would show up and do the whole handshake and pose for pictures routine.  

I had to go into the Guild early to make an overseas call.  It wasn’t something I normally did but I had seen a report on the news about an earthquake in Athens, and I wanted to talk to the head of the Guild offices in Greece about the situation and what help, if any, they would require.  I normally drove into town with Sarah and Adam for events.  We would drop Adam off at his babysitter’s apartment in the Guild Hall and then go on to whatever we were attending.  That night I left early to make my call and Sarah and Adam drove in at the regular time.”

Chris had to stop to draw a deep breath and force himself to go on.   “On the way to the Guild Hall, their car was forced off the road.  The car rolled down a hill.  Adam had head injuries and never regained consciousness. Sarah...Sarah was thrown from the car and died instantly.  We were never able to find out who did it.  A whole planet full of Sentinels and none of them could track down who had killed them.”

The Sentinel buried his face into his Guide’s warm neck as the memories flooded him, bringing back the old pain and rage and desolation in their wake.  He started to ruthlessly clamp down on the feelings that tried to engulf him and, for the first time since the death of his family, found it was not necessary.   He felt Ezra’s gentle presence in his head like a soothing balm drawing out some of the pain from the festering wound that he had bared for his Guide.

Before Chris could protest, Ezra worked to siphon away the negative emotions that filled the Sentinel when he shared these particular memories.  Ezra could not erase the past. He knew his Sentinel would always have scars from his experience, but Ezra could the lance the emotional wounds, easing the pain and letting some healing begin. 

Ezra didn’t have to think on what he was doing or reason out why he should do it, he was compelled by forces older that civilization and simply did it.  Just as the Sentinel was programmed from before birth to take care of his Guide, so to was the Guide led to care for his Sentinel.  The emotions flooding his bondmate had been slowly poisoning the man’s psyche and Ezra knew it was up to him to draw that poison out before it destroyed the man.  He could not put aside the memory of the dream that had led him to Chris in the first place; the dream where the Sentinel had tried to end his life.  It still had the power to frighten him.
 
“Ezra,” Chris started to whisper as he felt what the boy was doing, but the child interrupted.

“Let me, Chris.  You need this.  And I need to give it to you.  Let me help you, my Sentinel.”
 
Ezra lightly pushed against one of the still blank spots in Chris’ mind that signaled the man was still blocking something, trying to get the him to open up, but Chris drew back physically as well as emotionally at the touch.

“I can’t, Ezra,” he said shaking his head at the boy’s implied request.  “Please, don’t ask that of me.  I’ll try to be more open with you, I promise.  But I can’t let you in there.  That’s mine, Ezra.  I can’t share it.  I won’t.  I need it, Ez.  It’s all I have left of Sarah and Adam.   If I lose it, if it’s gone... then they’ll be lost to me forever.  I couldn’t stand that.  I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

Ezra sadly backed away from the wall, realizing he could not take what Chris was not willing to give. To try would only cause them both pain. As much as it might cost him personally, he would have to abide by the Sentinel’s decision.

The pair sat quietly looking at each other -- together but apart. Chris could feel the disappointment and sorrow his refusal had caused the boy and he felt miserable and guilty about being the source of it, but he also picked up on the child’s sad acceptance of Chris’ decision. 

Larabee felt humbled by the child.

Wisps of Ezra’s hair were blown about softly as the Sentinel laid his cheek against the top of Ezra’s head and whispered, “I want to set the record straight on something you said inside the house awhile ago, Ez.  You said I don’t care about you, but that isn’t true, because I do.   I guess it’s my fault that you aren’t sure of that.  I should have worked harder at showing you just how much. 

We stumbled into this thing as strangers, Ezra, and we are going to have to take some time to really get to know each other, but one thing I already know is that you are a remarkable Guide and an amazing little boy.  And I’m proud to have you as my Guide.  Give me a chance and I’ll prove it to you.”

Ezra took in the man’s words and felt hope go to war with the cynicism he had learned from living with his mother.  So many times in his young life, giving in to that hope had led him to nothing but pain and disillusionment.  People, especially his mother, always let him down in someway.  He was not sure if he dared give Chris Larabee the chance that he asked for.  He did not know if he could stand to be disappointed again. 

It was a wary child that hid his doubts and his hope behind a small barrier in his head so they would not be picked up over the bond, and faced the man watching him with a calm face that gave away nothing. He did not feel guilty for keeping his feelings away from his bondmate since Chris had refused to share his first.

“I think it’s time you and I started that getting-to-know-each-other process,” Chris said hugging the child closer as he spoke. “And I also remember I promised you a horse ride.  What do you say after breakfast we take the horses out, and I’ll show you around -- just the two of us?  We’ll spend some time getting better acquainted?  What do you say?”

Ezra’s head raised and the boy gave a tiny smile to the blond man.  “You mean it?”  He asked softly.

Chris tried to smile as he answered, “Yep.  You up for it?”

“I think that sounds very enjoyable,” Ezra told him, fighting to keep the excitement he was beginning to feel in control.

“We have a plan then,” Chris said and set the child on his feet then climbed to his own.  

The pair began walking back to the house side by side.  The tiny space that Ezra maintained between them felt like an abyss to Larabee that he did not know how to bridge -- at least not without turning his back on his dead family, something he could not do.

Ezra began to ask questions about the trees and plants of the woods they were walking through and Chris was only to happy to answer them.  The pair returned to their home in cautious companionship.  If each missed the loss of the closeness and easiness in the other’s presence they had felt only the night before, they both pretended not to.
 

&&&&< 13 > &&&&

Far too often the choices reality proposes are such as to take away one’s taste for choosing.-- Jean Rostand


As the full moon began its journey across the night sky, the weary Sentinel flipped off the light switch in his bedroom.   Chris had gotten Ezra off to bed without incident and now sought the comfort of his own.

The day had passed pleasantly enough.  Chris and his bondmate had slipped away after breakfast – a somewhat strained affair for three of the participants – and spent most of the day riding over Chris’ property letting Ezra become familiar with his new home.  They had not rushed but had kept to a slow pace that had allowed the pair to talk, although most conversation at first had centered on the flora and fauna and the history of the area.  Slowly the pair had eased onto a more comfortable concinnity with each other. 

Chris had volunteered stories of his childhood and his parents that segued into tales of when he and Buck had been teenagers and the trouble they had gotten into.  The stories had made Ezra laugh and tease his bondmate who had taken the ribbing remarks tossed at him with amused good grace, and then growled out mock threats if Ezra ever tried for himself any of the things that he and Buck had done. 

They had stopped at the small pond that nestled in a clearing in the woods and had a picnic when lunchtime arrived.  Ezra had knelt by the shallows at the pond’s edge as Chris pointed out the minnows that swam there.  Chris had a tough time convincing the fascinated child that it was too chilly to wade in the water after them. The Sentinel had almost laughed himself silly watching the boy trying to catch the tiny, lightening-fast fish with his hands from the shore, the child giggling with delight all the while.  It had only been Sentinel fast reflexes that had saved the boy from taking a dip headfirst into the chilly water when Ezra had lunged after one escaping specimen and overbalanced.   That had put an end to the boy’s “fishing” for the day.  Chris had laughingly tossed a grinning Ezra back on his horse and the pair had resumed their ride. 

They had both enjoyed the time spent together.  Chris had opened up as much as he was able, and Ezra had reciprocated with a few stories of his own short past.  They had discovered they both shared a love of cream cheese, warm fires on rainy days, and horses; and an abhorrence for mustard on sandwiches, reality TV shows, and grapefruit.  They had talked about their mothers, Chris’ father, and Ezra’s lack of one. They had discussed in detail Ezra’s experiences and feelings while held in the infamous Mr. Smith’s compound. 

They had spent the whole day talking and riding, returning home only when the sun was beginning its descent in the late afternoon sky.  They had companionably worked together to brush, feed, and settle their mounts into their stalls for the night, and then stood together on the front porch for awhile in quiet accord to watch the unfolding grandeur of the coming sunset paint the sky with a pallet of azure and rose, cerulean and ochre before going inside for dinner.

The day should have been counted a success.  It should have left the Sentinel feeling good about himself and his new bondmate, and hopeful for their future relationship.  

It should have.

Instead he felt tired, and depressed, and disheartened. For all the laughing, for all the talking and teasing, for all the pleasurable experiences the two had shared that day, Chris could only count the day as a bust.  The reason why was simple: where once those big emerald eyes had looked at Chris with loving awe and a kind of devoted hero-worship, now they watched with an unconscious wariness that ripped at the Sentinel’s heart and left it bleeding and sore.  Those eyes looked at him as if to ask when he, Chris, would wound their owner again.  Not if, but when.

God that hurt. 

It caused a physical ache in his chest that he roughly tried to rub away, but could not.  What made it so bad was that he had not lied to the boy when he told Ezra he cared about him.  He did, and the more he was around the child the more he came to care; not just because Ezra was his bondmate, but because the child was so smart and funny and sweet and just so damn lovable he could not do anything else.  Every day -- hell, every hour -- that he spent with the child deepened his feelings as he discovered something new to like about the boy.

It tore him up to have the child that was slowly burrowing deeper and deeper into his heart be so guarded with him.  As much as Ezra tried to hide that wariness from him over the bond, it still leaked in and Chris had to admit to himself that he deserved it, had earned each and every sting and stab to his soul that he was currently feeling, after all he had  -- metaphorically --  drawn first blood. 

The fact that he had not meant to did not mitigate his offense in his own eyes.  He was supposed to be a protector and not only had he failed in that duty, not only had he himself inflicted the hurt on a child...a CHILD, but it was his own bondmate that he had failed to protect...again.   The man and the Sentinel in him were equally bowed under the shame of it. 

After the children had been put to bed, the chewing out he had received from Buck about not being upfront and honest with Ezra – a duty Buck felt he had as Ezra’s mentor – had whipped Larabee’s temper up.   He had just been ready to let loose on his long time friend in a fiery rebuttal when, unfortunately, Vin had felt his Guide’s upset over their bond.  His Sentinel ears had heard the suppressed anger in Buck’s tone from two rooms away even though Buck had tried keeping his voice down to avoid waking the sleeping children.  The little Sentinel had run into the room in his pajamas, already slipping into full Blessed Protector mode, and Chris had been forced to bite back the words that were burning in his mouth.  He could only stand and watch in frustration as Buck calmed the boy and tried to hustle him back to bed at the same time as Vin was hustling Buck out of the den and demanding Buck remain with him in his room.  The adult Sentinel had been left aggravated with no one on whom to vent his anger.  He had retired to his own room tense and tired. 

The hot shower he had taken had helped work off some of the tension, but as it dissipated the weariness he felt increased in proportion.  Larabee crawled into his bed wishing that he could wake up and start the whole day over from scratch.  Pulling the covers up to his chest, he lay with his hands behind his head on the pillow and stared at the ceiling.  His mind kept circling around all the mistakes he had made with his Guide since waking up to find himself bonded again.  How had he managed to screw up so badly in so short a period of time?  His weary body eventually dragged him into sleep without finding an answer.

Chris woke up in the familiar blue of the dream plane jungle.  He rose to his feet and stood looking around.  He had to sigh in disgust. This was a part of the Sentinel/Guide experience that he could have done without.  He shared the common Sentinel discomfort with the spiritual plane.  Although he had walked its paths many times, this was still thought of as a Guide’s territory. They were much more accepting and open to the lessons to be learned or the information to be gleaned here.  And so much of it came across as pure symbolism that Chris hated trying to decipher it into meaningful ideas. As a Sentinel, he was more closely grounded to the physical world and was more comfortable with the concrete instead of the abstract.  He really trusted only what he could see, hear, feel, touch, or taste so he had little use for the place.

Guides however, found the dream plane extremely useful.  It was somewhere they could go to soothe spiritual wounds, or ground themselves from emotional overload when the rest of the world threatened to overwhelm their empathic pathways.  And when Sentinel related problems cropped up that were beyond their current knowledge level, there were always spirits -- of both living and dead Shamans -- walking the paths of the dream plane that could be used as resources.  

Sarah, and later Buck, had often had to drag him, kicking and snarling, onto the dream plane when they thought it necessary to look for answers, or needed spiritual grounding.  He never went voluntarily.  That he suddenly found himself on the dream plane alone did not bode well.

The sound of a slowly beating drum drew his attention and, curious, he followed the sound a few hundred feet to a clearing in the jungle where an old man sat pounding with one hand on the deer hide drum he held cradled in the crook of his other arm.  The man was Native American and wore his salt and pepper hair tied back with a wide red band tied across his brow. Chris approached slowly and jerked to a stop as the man raised intense brown eyes that seemed to look into the deepest parts of him.

“Choose,” the man ordered in a calm but authoritative voice.

Chris’ forehead wrinkled showing his confusion as he answered, “Choose what?”

“Your path,” was the reply.

“Who the hell are you, and what are you talking about?” Chris growled out angrily.

“I am Kojay,” the man answered his question calmly and returned Larabee’s glare serenely.  “I am a Shaman of The People. I am here because you must choose your path.”

“So you said,” Chris ground out, “but you didn’t say anything about what this path is or where it leads.”

 “The path is to the future. Your future.  Where it leads will depend on the choice you make.”

Chris was gritting his teeth trying to rein in his temper at what he felt were the man’s less than helpful answers.

“Behind you is the trail you have walked from the time you were born,” Kojay said.  “Many times on that trail you came to places where the trail forked.  You had to decide which path you would take, and each decision led you in a new direction.  You have navigated thousands of these forks in your lifetime. Good decisions kept you moving forwards.  Bad decisions sent you circling back and caused you to lose ground.  But always you were moving.  

Now you stand at another place of decision and yet you hesitate to make your choice and continue on with your life journey.  This is not the way it was meant to be.  To the spirit, to stay in one place is to stagnate.  Eventually the spirit dies.  Your spirit is strong, but even it will weaken and die if you do not resume your journey soon, so you must make your choice and continue on.”

“So what is it I have to decide?” Chris asked, slightly calmer at the explanation.

Kojay didn’t answer in words, but gestured to his left.  Chris turned his head to see two paths leading out of the clearing that he had not noticed before.   Chris could see nothing obvious to distinguish one from the other.

“So how am I supposed to choose?”  he asked, looking back at the Shaman with a lost feeling. “I have no way of knowing what I’m choosing between, or where either path will take me. How can I make an intelligent decision?”

“Your heart knows,” Kojay told him. “It is only your mind warring with your heart that is stopping you from moving forward.   You will have to make peace between them.”

“I thought you were supposed to help me!” Chris growled out with frustration.

Kojay sighed and suddenly stopped his drumming.   As though speaking to a child, he said, “Look down the paths, Sentinel.  What to you see?”

Chris swung around and walked closer to the path on the right.  He used his enhanced sight to look along the trail and saw a small Lynx sunning himself on a rock by the side of the trail.  The elegant looking little cat raised its head and looked back at him with green eyes full of a vulnerability that was almost disguised by a feline type of grin. Sentinel hearing could hear the welcoming purr that began to rumble from the beast. Without needing to be told, he knew he was looking at his new bondmate’s spirit animal.  Chris felt himself pulled forward toward the waiting boy, but Kojay’s voice telling him to check the other path first stopped him from stepping on the right-hand path immediately.

Chris walked over to the left path and looked down it.  He caught his breath with a gasp as he saw.  His eyes greedily took in the shape of the puma rolling on her back and swiping playfully at the little raccoon that darted around her making tickling strikes at her underbelly with clever fingers. Those were the spirit animals of Sarah and Adam playing.  He drank in the sight of the pair with tears building in his eyes as he watched them together.  For years he had searched the jungle of the Dream plane for them, only to come away aching and despondent.  Now here they were, and he wanted to weep with joy. 

It was only when the puma rose to her feet to nudge at the raccoon with her head that Chris was able to see the shining silver chairs wrapped around their back legs hobbling them to a stake driven into the middle of the trail. A third chain was stretched from the stake out toward the beginning of the path, the manacle on its end gaping open like the jaws of a fierce beast ready to slam shut on its prey.   Suddenly filled with rage that anyone would ensnare his loved ones so, he took a step toward the left path.

“You have made your choice then?” Kojay’s voice broke into his hungry scrutiny and Chris jerked to a stop.  He swung around again, and swore viciously as he was forcibly reminded of why he was there.

“You’re asking me to choose between Sarah and Adam, or Ezra!”

“It is nothing so simple as the choice between people,” the Shaman warned. “They are only the symbols drawn from your mind used to represent the choices.  Much more rests on your decision. Many lives besides your own will be affected by the direction that you take.” 

Kojay’s voice firmed and his eyes drilled into the Sentinel as he said, “The time of choosing is upon you.  Pick the trail you wish to walk and leave the other behind.  Chose your path.”

“No!” Chris cried out. In spite of what the Shaman said, Chris, with a Sentinel’s prejudice for the concrete, could only see that the man was asking him to choose between Ezra and his family. There was no way he could make that choice.   “You can’t ask that of me!  There has to be another way.”

“There is not,” Kojay pronounced as inexorably as a judge pronouncing sentence on a condemned man.  “Choose your path.”

“I CAN’T,” Chris screamed in an agony of indecision and frustrated rage for being forced into this position.

“You will,” Kojay told him in a solemn voice that resonated with portent as the blue jungle began to dissolve around them. 

Chris woke up sweating.  He jerked up and swung his legs off the bed to sit on the side with his face buried in his hands.  His breath came out in great heaving pants as he fought back the fear and pain that had flooded him with the dream.  When he thought his knees had quit shaking enough to support him, he climbed to his feet and hurried over to his door.  He silently slipped out into the hall and over to Ezra’s room.  He eased Ezra’s door open and stood in the doorway, enhanced senses greedily scanning the bed to assure himself that his child Guide was still there and alright.  He slumped, weak with relief; his forehead leaning against the wooden doorjamb.  It was several minutes before he was calm enough to step back and re-close the bedroom door.

Still troubled and knowing that sleep would now be impossible, he stopped in his bedroom long enough to grab a couple of blankets from his bed then headed for the back porch.  He dropped to sit at the top of the porch stairs. He pulled his knees up, bare feet resting on the first step, and wrapped the blankets around him to ward off the chill of the night. He rested his chin on the top of his knees, and stared over them into the woods behind the house.

The dream replayed itself over and over in his mind.  He tried hard to convince himself that it wasn’t true; that he wouldn’t have to make that choice.  He could go on just as he had been.  There was no reason to worry.  His Guide was fine and Ezra wasn’t going anywhere.   It was just a dream.  He was upset for no reason at all.   He and Ez would continue to get to know each other, and they would grow into a good relationship, and all would be well.  It would.  Really, it would. He could make it happen.

Chris kept trying to reassure himself, but in the back on his mind he knew he was lying to himself.   The reality -- as much as he would like to believe otherwise -- was things that happened or were learned on the dream plane affected the real world. He had been drawn into the dream by the Shaman for a specific purpose. That purpose had obviously been to give him warning, and he knew it was a serious one.  As much as he might want to, he couldn’t ignore it.  

But he couldn’t choose between Ezra and his family either.  He needed Ezra...but he needed his connection with Sarah and Adam, too. 

He knew his parents and Buck did not understand his need to hold onto his grief over their loss.  They thought he should stop his mourning and get on with his life, but he just couldn’t.  He wasn’t ready to let go of them yet. 

When Sarah and Adam had died, he had wrapped the essence of himself around the gaping hole their tragic departure had left in his soul, unsuccessfully trying to fill that horrific void with memories of their life together as Sentinel and Guide; husband and wife; father and son. The grief -- in a way that he admitted to himself was strange and probably a bit twisted -- kept his connection to this dead family sharp and clear.  It kept them close and fresh and focused, in his mind.   The thing he was most afraid of was having his memories of his loved ones grow dim.  Letting go, getting over the grief, would be like losing them all over again, and this time for good.  He wasn’t emotionally strong enough for that.  He might never be, so he hung on to his grief tenaciously. 

And so much of himself had been invested for so long in the mourning of his lost family that he honestly didn’t know who he would even be without the grief.  The suffering had become a part of who he was. It was familiar, almost comfortable in strange way. Without the pain what was he now? Who was he?  He was frightened to find out.

But just as everything in him railed against putting Sarah’s and Adam’s deaths behind him, so too did it cry out against the mere thought of letting Ezra go.  The boy completed him in a way that he had longed for since his bond with Sarah had been shattered so unexpectedly.

The Sentinel had his Guide, his touchstone.   

From a purely physical standpoint, the child allowed him to use his enhanced senses to their fullest, letting him again be the man, the Sentinel, he had been born to be.  For the first time in over three years – despite the risks of being blindsided by his own senses -- he felt comfortable in his own body. 

Emotionally, Ezra called out to the part of him that had loved being a father.  Ezra needed someone to fill that role in his life, and Chris wanted to be the one to fill it for him.  The man in him longed for it, while the Sentinel in him gleefully saw it as yet another way to bind the Guide closer to him. 

Besides the other roles the child had assumed in his life, Ezra appealed to him just as Ezra.   He had found the child had a wicked sense of humor and Chris had laughed more in the few days that he had known Ezra than he had for years.  His quick mind kept Chris on his toes, and -- after listening to Ezra speak of his life before they had found each other -- Larabee knew the boy possessed an inner strength that he had to admire.  

But at the same time, his feelings for Ezra - his need for him - felt like a betrayal of Sarah and Adam’s memory.  He was being pulled in two different directions and felt utterly, hopelessly, conflicted. It scared and frustrated him.

A tiny pressure on his shoulder jerked his awareness back to his surroundings, and he swiftly looked over to see a pajama-clad Ezra standing at his side, one hand on his Sentinel’s shoulder, green eyes watching in concern, and body shivering violently in the chilly night air.  Chris realized how deeply he must have sunk into his thoughts if the approach of his Guide had caught him unawares.

“Y...y...you’re up...upset,” Ezra managed to say through chattering teeth.

Ezra had been sleeping soundly, completely worn out by the day’s activities when he was gradually awakened by the feelings of distress coming over the bond from his Sentinel.  He could no more have turned over and gone back to sleep after that than he could have jumped off the barn roof and flown to the moon.  He slipped out of bed and out of his room without bothering to find the robe or slippers that Larabee had purchased for him.  With the bond to guide him, he had homed in on the wakeful Sentinel as easily as a carrier pigeon did his coop. 

The man had been so still he looked frozen, and for a moment, Ezra had been scared that he had zoned.  He had hurried over to Chris already trying to plan how he would bring his Sentinel back from his zone.  It was with much surprise that Larabee turned to face him the moment he placed a hand on his shoulder.

The Sentinel immediately released his hold on his knees.  He opened his blanket-draped arms and swept the boy into his lap and pulled him against his chest, then re-wrapped the blankets back around both of them.

“What are you doing out of bed?”  The protective Sentinel said, his obvious concern taking any sting out of the scolding as he rubbed his hand briskly over the child’s limbs to warm him.  “It’s freezing out here and you don’t even have socks on.  You could catch your death of cold.”

“You’re out here, and you don’t have any socks on either,” Ezra pointed out with little boy indignation at the seeming unfairness of his reprimand.

“Yeah, well,” Chris chuckled sheepishly, “but you’re supposed to be the brains of this outfit and me the brawn, remember? You’re supposed to be smarter than me.”

“It’s good that you already know that.  It will save me time since I won’t have to teach it to you.” Ezra threw back with a cheeky little grin.

Chris laughed and pulled him closer, sharing his body heat to warm the child.  The pair sat silently watching the stars together and letting the peaceful stillness of the night soothe them.

“You never answered me,” Ezra’s quiet voice eventually broke the stillness.  “Why were you upset?”

Larabee rested his cheek on the top of the boy’s head and sighed.  “It was nothing,” he tried to brush the question off, “only a bad dream.”

“But it bothered you enough so you couldn’t sleep,” the boy insisted. 

“I don’t want to lose you, Ezra,” the man responded, answering the question without really offering details.  His voice got low and gravelly with emotion as he told the child, “You’re a part of me now.”  It frightened Chris to suddenly realize just how much truth there was in that statement.

“And in your dream I was gone?” Ezra questioned.

“No,” Chris admitted, “But the possibility was there.  I know...knew... I could lose you with one wrong move, one wrong decision.”  His voice dropped until it could just barely be heard by the watching boy. “I...I think my soul would bleed to death if that happened.”

“I’m here,” Ezra told him and twisted in Chris’ lap so he could wrap both arms around the man’s middle. “I’m not leaving you.”

As much as he did not like to see his Sentinel in distress, Ezra had to admit that he liked hearing those words from Chris.  It gave his lagging confidence a much needed boost to hear how much he was valued by this man.  Too many times in his young life, he had been made to feel superfluous, even a burden at times.  He had tried his best to please his mother, but he had never been good enough, or smart enough, or fast enough for her.  The more he tried the more she demanded.  

He had begun to feel worthless long before she had ever sold him to Mr. Smith. That had just been the coup de grace.   In a way, having Mr. Smith wanting him so badly was a boost to his flagging sense of self worth.   He might even have grown to like his new situation...if he had not been so scared of the feelings that Mr. Smith bombarded him with every time the man had been in Ezra’s presence.   Ezra could not help the shudder that raced down his spine at the memory.  Chris pulled him closer in response and chaffed his arm again thinking the child was still cold.  The Sentinel’s voice pulled his thoughts back from the bad memories.

“I know this is probably not what you imagined when you thought about being bonded to a Sentinel,” Chris said in a low voice, rubbing his cheek against the top of the boy’s head gently, using the motion to comfort himself as much as calm Ezra. “I have to admit you got pretty much a bum deal when you got me, but I want to make this work. I want us to work. I want US. Just give me time, Ez, and I’ll figure out how to make it right.  I’ll do my best to take care of you.  I’ll try better in the future not to hurt you.   I know it’s probably hard to trust me right now, but... just...I mean...don’t give up on me yet, okay? Please, Ezra, just give me a chance.”

Ezra could feel the other’s emotions coming over the bond and knew that the Sentinel was being completely honest with him.  The thought of Ezra leaving was tearing the man up inside.  What his bondmate was too lost in his own worries to pick up on was that the thought of leaving Chris Larabee frightened Ezra just as much, and he knew in spite of what Chris thought, he could never walk away from this man willingly. Not just because breaking the bond would be painful, but because Larabee himself had taken up residence in the young boy’s heart.  He filled so many of the empty places in Ezra’s life.

Ezra had reached that conclusion while he and the Sentinel had been standing on the porch watching the sunset earlier that evening.  Without taking his eyes from the beauty unfolding before them, Larabee had laid a warm hand on Ezra’s shoulder and pulled the boy against his side.  Ezra knew the man hadn’t even really been aware of what he was doing, but Ezra had felt Chris’ affectionate touch strike a chord somewhere deep in his lonely soul.

Ezra, too, had enjoyed their day together. The tension of the morning had been determinedly put aside by both of them by unspoken agreement, although it hovered for awhile over them like a shadow. The time had been filled with discovery, both of his new home and his new Sentinel.  It had been gratifying on a deep inner level to see the Sentinel acting more relaxed and even laughing.  Where Chris ended the day depressed and despairing, Ezra, while still wary had ended it thoughtful and – daringly in view of his past – somewhat hopeful.

No one had ever looked after Ezra as Chris did, or shown the depth of caring that Larabee had done in the few short days they had been together.  As much as he might wish for things to be different, for them both to be starting out fresh and new, Ezra had come to the realization that it would be stupid to throw away the best thing he had ever found in his life just because it did not live up to the fantasy in his head. For the little boy that had always been starved for affection, acceptance, and love, half a loaf was by far better than nothing.  It was more than he had ever expected to have at all.  He could live with what Chris was able to offer him now, and who knew, maybe one day if he was good enough, and worked at it hard enough...

“My mother was a great believer in what she always called the bottom line.” Ezra said, pulling back enough to look his Sentinel in the eye.  “I was taught to always measure everything -- every deal, every want, every need -- against that bottom line. She said that was really the only thing that counted in life.   The way I see it, the bottom line when it comes to us is I’m your Guide.  You’re my Sentinel.  We belong together.  You’re mine and I’m yours, and nobody better try and mess with that!”  Ezra said with an unbounded resolve that should have been beyond his years. 

Relieved that the boy wanted to stay with him despite everything, Chris had to grin at the unsubtle aggression in the child’s voice.  Chris tightened his arms around Ezra in approval of the sentiment that so closely matched his own. 

Warnings be damned, he thought forcefully.  He would forge ahead, making his own way -- a way that kept his family, both the old one and the new, with him.   And, as Ezra had said, no one had better try to change that.   That niggling voice in the back of his head that whispered that it would not be so simple was ruthlessly ignored.

“You got that exactly right, Ez,” Chris agreed, suddenly feeling almost giddy at the way things were turning out.  “You and me, together.  That’s how it is and that’s how it will stay.  The rest of the world will just have to get used to it.  We’re a team, right?”

“Right,” the boy agreed as he snuggled back into the warmth of his Sentinel’s welcoming hold once again.  “Like Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock.”

Chris chuckled and replied, “The Lone Ranger and Tonto.”

“Batman and Robin,” Ezra supplied with his own grin.

“I’m sorry to say, we’ll be Mr. Freeze and an ice cube if we don’t get back inside soon,” Chris said with a grimace as he curled bare toes that were going numb with cold. 

Ezra gave a smirking laugh.

The Sentinel took a deep breath and heaved himself and the boy in his arms up.  He stood on the porch still wrapped up in the blankets for a moment as he caught his balance.  Ezra giggled and wrapped his legs around the man’s waist and he hung on to Larabee’s neck when Chris turned around and walked back inside. 

Chris carried him straight to his bed, but hesitated for a moment, reluctant to leave the boy even though he knew they both needed sleep.  The residual fear of losing his Guide left over from his recent trip to the spirit plane still had him a little off center.  He silently sighed with relief when Ezra looked at him shyly from under his lowered eyelashes and hesitantly asked, “W...will you stay with me?”

The Sentinel did not wait for a second invitation.  He crawled in beside Ezra, carefully spread the blankets he had carried in from outside on top, and pulled up the covers over both of them.   When he was settled, Ezra snuggled up close, wrapping his arm around Chris’ chest as far as it would go, and Larabee enfolded him in his own tender hold.  Simultaneous sighs of contentment were breathed. Safe in the cocoon of his Sentinel’s arms, Ezra was lulled to sleep again within minutes.

The Sentinel Elite bent his head slightly to bury his nose in his Guide’s silky hair and inhaled deeply, drawing the unique fragrance of his bondmate deep into his lungs. His Guide smelled healthy and content so the Sentinel was appeased.  Luxuriating in the peace and security the scent afforded him, Chris closed his eyes and concentrated on Ezra’s slow, steady heartbeat and allowed it to sing him to sleep.
 

TBC

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