&&&&<Chapter 14>&&&&

"I slept and dreamed that life was beauty.  I awoke -- and found that life was duty."   -Ellen Stugis Hooper

It was not long after he fell asleep that Ezra awoke to find himself in a place he did not recognize.  It was filled with a weird, unearthly blue light and seemed totally alien to him, but strangely he felt no fear.   He sat up and looked around curiously at the abundant growth of jungle that surrounded the small clearing where he found himself. 

A strange feeling of something missing washed over the boy.  It took him several minutes to pinpoint exactly what it was that was absent.  He no longer felt that subtle but insistent pushing against his natural empathic barriers by the many invisible minds that came within his mental ‘range’.

He had always felt their emotional radiations.  Although his abilities had been significantly weaker than they were now, when he was much younger he had been forced to work hard at shutting the emotional touches out, but it had gotten easier as he grew and his natural control of his barriers had increased. He had learned to mostly ignore the remaining sensation until it became an almost subliminal presence in his mind.  Now even that feeling was gone, and he felt nothing but a quiet peace replace it. It allowed his bond with Chris to sing with a clarity that he had not felt before in the short time they had been together.  How perfectly wonderful!  The child sighed in delight at the novel feeling.

“It is a relief, is it not?” a quiet voice broke into his reflections.  The boy jerked his head to his right to find an old man seated cross-legged just out of arm’s reach. 

Ezra looked at him guardedly as he said, “Who are you?”

“I am Kojay.”

Ezra watched him silently, and the man sat calmly staring back, not seeming to be the least uncomfortable with the boy’s scrutiny.  Ezra was sure he had never met the man before, but somehow he just did not feel like a stranger.  Ezra, who had learned to be hyper-aware of people at a very young age, was mystified.

Finally, the man broke the silence to remark, “I was pleased that you and your traveling companion were able to make your journey home so quickly.   It shows that you are both strong, and wiser than your age implies.  This bodes well for you and your bondmates.”

Suddenly an idea hit Ezra like a speeding train and his head jerked back in surprise right before he snapped out in wonder, “You’re the man!  The one that came to Vin in the dream and told him we had to travel west if we wanted to find our true home.  It was YOU!”

The old man gave him a small smile and nodded in agreement.  “Yes.  I came across the signs of your destiny while walking the trails of the spirit plane.  My own spirit guide led me to yours so I could point you toward the path of your future.  I was but the instrument of the spirits, but I take joy in the knowledge that I was able to help you both find your way.  You and your traveling companion each have a unique destiny to fulfill, but your futures are linked in a way that is unusual, most especially for a Sentinel and a Guide who are not bondmates.”

“Vin and I?” Ezra looked at him in surprise.  “Vin is my friend.”

“I know,” Kojay told him with a knowing grin, “and he is a very good one, as you are to him.  That will not change. In time, you will become more; brothers of the heart, head, and soul.   I have been shown this by my spirit guide. You will accomplish great things.”

Ezra suddenly frowned and looked at the man with heated suspicion saying sharply, “Vin is my friend, but he’s not my Sentinel!  Chris is!  You make it sound like Vin is my bondmate, and he’s not!”

Kojay watched him calmly, the boy’s anger flowing around him as though it were nothing but wind whistling through the branches of a tree.  “Be at peace, young one.  I am no threat to your bond or your Sentinel, and neither is your young Sentinel friend.  You are both bonded to the men for whom you were born, and that will not change.  It is as it was meant to be.”

“Then what did you mean?” Ezra demanded with a bit of aggression still coloring his tone.   He had already been through too much for one day.  A threat to his bond, even an implied one, was intolerable, and the child was prepared to fight the old man or anyone else he had to keep what was his.

“It will become clear to you in the fullness of time.  When you are ready for the knowledge, it will be there.”        

“You’re talking in riddles,” Ezra accused.

The old Shaman smiled.  “It is the way of the spirit plane.  Here there is much knowledge too be found, but finding it to soon can be dangerous.  The more you walk its paths, the more you will come to understand this.”

Ezra sighed heavily and Kojay laughed softly.  “Patience, young one, is a lesson that all Guides must learn.   Be still.  Let your spirit be calm, and the answers you seek will come at the time that they should.”

“I believe patience to be a greatly overrated virtue,” the boy said with a touch of a pout.

Kojay sighed and replied, “You are as stubborn as your Sentinel.  You are truly an even match.”

Ezra looked at him speculatively. “You know Chris?”

“We have spoken,” the Shaman admitted, proud of letting only the slightest touch of irony creep into his voice.

Ezra was a very intelligent nine year old.  Listening to the old man had the wheels in Ezra’s head spinning madly.  Connections were being made and conclusions drawn.

“Chris was here.  The dream that upset him so much he couldn’t sleep.  You did that!”  Ezra stared at the Shaman accusingly.  He almost spit  the statement at the old man.

Kojay had already been impressed with the young Guide’s strength and power.  Now he could not help but be impressed with his intelligence and intuition, as well.   “The spirits decided action should be taken.  My spirit animal and his pulled him into the Spirit plane.”

“Why did you tell him that I would go away?” Ezra shot back angrily.  “I am not going anywhere.  I belong with my Sentinel, with Chris.  You and your spirits had no right to try to interfere.”

“The spirits do as they will, but the Sentinel was not told you would leave him.  That is only the way he interpreted the symbols he was shown.”  The old man sighed. “Sentinels are always so literal.  They never see beyond the surface to the subtle truths that lie beneath.  That is another reason they need a Guide - to look where their eyes do not see.  It is up to you to guide your Sentinel to understanding.”

Only slightly mollified, Ezra asked. “What is it that you showed him?”

Kojay silently waved a hand to the jungle behind the boy and Ezra turned around obediently.  He stared at the two paths uncertainly for a moment before turning back to the waiting Shaman.

“What do you see?” the old man asked softly.

“I see two trails that lead away from this clearing into the jungle,” Ezra replied turning to look at the old man, puzzled by what Chris could have found so upsetting with that.

“Look farther,” the Shaman advised and Ezra turned to comply. 

The old man put his hand on Ezra’s shoulder and the boy suddenly found his vision telescoping in a weird way the made him dizzy for a moment.  He had to take a deep breath to help him fight back the nausea the sensation caused.

“I see a small cat- like animal bathing himself in the sun,” Ezra said and could not stop the smile that broke out on his lips at the sight.  He felt curiously drawn to the little animal and stared at it with fascination.

The lynx stared back at him a moment before rising to its feel to make its leisurely way to the boy and begin rubbing its head affectionately against the boy’s leg.  Completely without fear, knowing somehow that the little cat did not mean him any harm, Ezra crouched down to scratch behind the feline’s ear.  Rumbling purrs of pleasure testified to the little lynx’s approval. 

“This is Lynx.  He is your spirit animal,” Kojay informed him.

Ezra threw him an excited grin before looking back down at the feline that was now laying on its back presenting its tummy for a good rub, which Ezra was only too happy to provide.  “I have my own spirit animal!!” the boy exclaimed.  “Cool!”

 Lynx reached out with a gentle paw and batted at the boy’s face playfully, causing Ezra’s laughter to ring out. The old Shaman could not hold back the fond amusement he felt at watching this first meeting. 

“Your time here is limited, young Guide,” Kojay broke into the giggling/purring wrestling match that was just beginning between the boy and the Lynx.  “You must continue.” 

The little Lynx blew out a haughty snort at the interruption, but reluctantly disengaged and climbed to its feet.  Giving the boy one last swipe  with its paw and a quick tongue bath to his face, the spirit animal spun around and bounded back to its spot on the right hand trail.

Disappointed, Ezra climbed back to his feet and looked at the Shaman.

“Study the second trail.  What do you see?”

Again, he experienced the telescoping vision, but he was more prepared for it this time. The sight that met his eyes was puzzling. A female puma sat watching him solemnly as did the little raccoon by her side. Ezra felt unhappy to see the two animals attached by silver chains to the stake in the middle of the path. Ezra could swear he saw pleading in the eyes that stared at him.  A fierce yearning to see them unchained swept through him.

Ezra turned to the Kojay and earnestly asked, “Why are they chained that way?  Why aren’t they free?  They should be free!  It’s wrong to keep them tied up like that.”  Ezra did not know where the idea of that wrongness came from but he felt it deep in his soul. 

“You are wise, young Guide,’ Kojay responded with approval.  “It is true; the spirit animals should be allowed to run free.  It is their wish to be free, but they are unable to break the chains that bind them to this place.”

“Who did that to them?”

“A loved one who refuses to let them go,” Kojay answered solemnly. 

The boy stared at the puma. He could feel the sadness mixed with hope that poured out of the beautiful beast watching him back. He sensed something else as well; like the empathic equivalent of a ‘scent’ from someone that felt very familiar to him. Ezra somehow knew he had never met this particular spirit before, but the puma had been touched by that familiar person. It only took him a second to sort it out and identify the individual associated with that mental signature and wonder why he should feel his presence mixing so strongly with the puma’s.   The slow knowledge of just whom he was watching began to form in his mind. 

"That’s the spirit animal of Chris’ first Guide, his wife Sarah...isn’t it?” Ezra whispered.

“Yes.”

“Then that must be his son, Adam,” Ezra turned to look at the Shaman with eyes that tried to be brave but still showed uncertainty and great deal of hurt.

“Yes.” Kojay again replied gently.

“So it’s Chris that is keeping them here?  That’s stopping them from being free?” The question was a barely audible whisper, but Kojay heard it.

“Yes, he keeps them chained to this place with his grief, and compulsive need to hold on to their memories.  They can not go on to the next plane -- they can not be free -- until he releases them.  His love is the chain that binds them here.  This is not the way is should be, for him or the spirits.   He risks much by his refusal to let go.”

“That was the choice you told him he had to make, wasn’t it.  He had to chose between me and his family,” Ezra said stricken, remembering how distraught Chris had been when he had found the man on the porch earlier that evening.

Ezra tried hard to remember his decision to accept what he had and not cry about what he didn’t, but it hurt to think that Chris would not immediately choose him above everyone and everything.  An angry little voice inside him whispered that HE would have had no trouble putting Chris first if the tables had been turned, while a second, very pitiful, voice whispered that he should have expected it. That Chris would never choose him first, love him best, because he was not good enough to be loved.  Ezra had to take several deep breaths and viciously slam a mental door on both voices in order to keep tears from forming.  He would not cry about it!  He WOULDN’T.

The old shaman’s voice was soft yet stern as his eyes drilled seriously into the boy watching him with wounded eyes, aware of the inner turmoil the child was fighting. “No, as I said before, these are but the symbols used to represent the choices he must decide between.”

The boy turned back to stare at the two paths, as much to avoid the old man’s watchful eyes as to process all he had heard.  After several minutes, once again Ezra showed his intuition when he mumbled, “The past and the present.  He has to choose between living in the past, or living in the present, doesn’t he?”

“Very good, young one,” Kojay affirmed with approval. “You will make a truly formidable Guide for your Sentinel.”

“If it is Chris that has to choose, then why did you bring me here?”  Ezra asked with confusion written clearly on his young face.

“You are the Guide,” Kojay replied staring down at the boy.  “It is what you are, and what you must do.”

“But, how?” The little boy suddenly showed his true age as he asked plaintively, tears - of fear and uncertainty this time - beginning to build in spite of his efforts to staunch them. 

The Shaman reached over and placed a gentle hand on the child’s shoulder, squeezing softly in reassurance.

“That is for you to decide.  Only you have the intimate knowledge of your Sentinel that your bond grants you.  Use it.  Study your bondmate. Learn what secrets his soul holds even from himself. Only then can you know what course you must take.   The time is approaching when your Sentinel must make his choice or have it forced on him, but...it has not come yet.  Use the time you have been granted wisely, young Guide.” 

The Shaman looked at the boy kindly as he continued, “Much rests on your small shoulders, little one, but remember that you are not alone. You have a great asset in the one chosen to show you the way of the Guide.  Listen to him and learn. Seek out the advice of your sept’s Sage, and know that if you need me, you can seek me here.  Your spirit guide will show you the way.”

“I can’t do it,” Ezra whispered in despair. He had no confidence in himself or his new role in Chris’ life.  “Chris won’t listen to me.  I’m just a kid.”

“You are a Guide.  He is a Sentinel.  If you WILL it,” Kojay said with emphasis, “then he will listen just as he listens to you when his senses betray him.  Speak to him as you would then, and he will hear you.  Reinforce your words with what you send him over the bond, and he will hear you.  The only way he will not hear you is if you remain silent.”

The boy looked small and lost.  The old Shaman could not help but feel for the boy that was being thrust into such deep waters so soon.  The hand he still had on the boy’s shoulder slipped down to Ezra’s back and began to rub soothingly up and down.

“Do not doubt your own value, young one, not to the world and, most importantly, not to your Sentinel.  To him, you are infinitely precious. You only have to open your eyes and mind to see it.  Do not let your own fears and insecurities blind you to what is,” he warned gently.

“And something bad will happen if he doesn’t choose?” Ezra asked nervously.

The old man nodded with eyes gone sad and serious.

Ezra had never felt so afraid in his life, but he bit his lip, drew in a deep breath, and squared his shoulders.  His Sentinel was in danger and it was up to him to keep him safe.  He knew what he had to do...even if he did not know quite how he was supposed to do it.

“I’ll try my best,” he finally said, trying to be brave, but his voice still trembled despite his best efforts.

“That is all anyone can ask of a man,” Kojay sagely.   “Now it is time for you to leave this place.  You may return whenever you have need to.  Simply think of Lynx as you try to sleep and he will bring you here.”

Ezra could see the jungle begin to whirl in a kaleidoscope of blue shades.  He called out “Thank you, Kojay,” just as the jungle dissolved completely.

&&&&<Chapter 15>&&&&

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."  -- Douglas Adams

 

He came awake suddenly and completely, without that moment of disorientation that normally follows on the heels of sleep.  He knew he was in his own bed, in his own room, and the arms that were wrapped around him loosely belonged to the sleeping Chris.  Ezra turned his head slowly to look on the sleeping Sentinel. 

His Sentinel.  His responsibility. 

The thought was frightening as nothing else in his short life had ever been, and yet, at the same time, it gave him a deep feeling of joy and satisfaction.  His Sentinel. His bondmate.  The other half of...well...everything.

The boy watched the tiny flare of nostrils as Chris exhaled in his sleep and knew, with a wisdom beyond his years, that he was looking at his one and only chance at a true family; of real happiness.  Ezra suddenly realized how anxious he was to safeguard that chance.

He stared at the somnolent man, monitoring each breath, tuning in to their shared bond to check on Larabee as smoothly and naturally as if he had been doing it everyday of his life.  Chris give a tiny, almost inaudible, sniff as he rubbed his face on the pillow and settled deeper into the mattress. 

A tiny frown crossed Ezra’s face.  The boy listened more closely, and the frown on his face deepened with every second that passed.  Uncertainty caused him to bite down on his lower lip for a moment then, reaching a decision, the boy carefully disengaged himself from Larabee’s hold and slipped off the bed, sending calm, soothing feelings over the bond to keep the Sentinel from waking at his movements.  He quietly tip-toed out of his room.

When Ezra returned a few minutes later, Chris was just beginning to stir. He had unconsciously reached out for his Guide in his sleep and the boy’s absence had been enough to wake him.  Still drowsy, the man’s head turned toward the doorway as he tracked the sound of his Guide’s heartbeat approaching.  Ezra came through the door with a tall glass in one hand, and a bottle of something bluish-green in the other.

“Morning, Ez,” Chris greeted him, with a voice made gravelly with sleep.  He sat up and stretched his arms over his head before he rubbed a lazy hand through his hair.   

“Good morning, Chris,” Ezra answered seriously as he carefully walked over to the bed trying not to spill any of the glass’ contents.  He gave a little satisfied grin when he made it across the room without losing a drop.  He handed the glass to Chris, and waited for him to take it before crawling back up on the bed.

Chris glanced at the glass of orange juice in his hand and smiled back at the child with appreciation.  “Thanks, Ez.  That was nice of you.”

Ezra nodded once in acknowledgement then suddenly thrust the bottle he still held in his hand out at his Sentinel.  Chris reached for it reflexively, and then looked with surprise at the little boy watching him so seriously. 

“Senti-quil?” he asked with one eyebrow raised in question about the Sentinel-safe cold medicine in his hand.

The boy nodded decisively and replied, “You were out in the chill for a long time last night and you sound a little stuffy this morning.  I think you’re catching a cold so you need to take some medicine and stay in bed today so it doesn’t get worse.  Buck said this was the medicine you could take without a reaction when you had a cold.”

Chris was amused and more than a little touched, but he stifled his grin and faced his bondmate just as seriously.  “Thank you for being concerned about me, but I’m okay.  I have too much work to do today, Ezra.  I’ve been away from the Guild for far too long, and I have a lot of catching up to do.  I don’t really have time to lie around in bed.  I’ll be fine.  You don’t have to worry.”

Ezra straightened his spine and mentally shored up his will.  Kojay had promised that Chris would listen to him if he was truly determined.  Making sure Chris kept from getting sick was a worthy test as of that theory as far as Ezra was concerned.  And if it happened that Kojay was wrong and Chris would not listen to him when it mattered, then he really wanted to know that now.  He could not live with the uncertainty.  If the Sentinel refused to be guided by his bondmate then, Ezra would have to let Kojay know he would have to find some other way to get Chris to make his choice.   Chris was Ezra’s to take care of now, and take care of him he would -- one way or another.

“You need to take your medicine and get better,” Ezra restated with a quiet stubbornness.

Getting exasperated but trying to be patient, Chris tried again as he set the glass of juice on Ezra’s bedside table.  “Look, Ez,” he began only to have the boy cut him off.

“I’m your Guide.  You SAID we were partners, and partners look out for each other. You are supposed to take care of me, but I am supposed to take care of you, too.  It’s my job now, right?  You want me to do my job, don’t you?”  The little Guide faced his Sentinel with a dogged, unwavering stare that still managed somehow to show a world of silent pleading as he sent his own deep feelings of need and his fear of rejection over the bond to reinforce his words.   “I would feel like I was failing you if I didn’t do my best to make sure you didn’t get sick. I would be sad and feel very badly for letting you down.”  Ezra gave the Sentinel the wide-eyed, heartbreaking look he had spent hours in front of the mirror perfecting to please his mother when he was only four.  He figured he needed all the ammunition he could get in this battle of wills.

Chris Larabee, Sentinel Elite and Guild Master, had been called many things in his lifetime, but fool wasn’t one of them.  He knew full well he was being deliberately manipulated by the child, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care too much.  Any outrage he might have felt at the tactics the child was attempting to use was undermined by one simple thing: he could completely understand his Guide’s determination to use any means possible to protect his bondmate. It was a feeling he shared wholly -- any bonded Sentinel and Guide pair would.  There were no limits when it came to seeing to a bondmate’s welfare.   It was just a bit hard to deal with it when the feeling was directed at himself instead of the other way around, but, in all fairness, he could not begrudge Ezra the right to feel it.

And the truth was, Chris still felt guilty enough for dragging this sweet, caring child into the dark and depressing garret that passed for his soul these days, and for not being able to give the boy the complete and utter devotion that should have been his right in a new bonding, that the Sentinel was ready to do just about anything to make it up to the boy.    If staying in bed for a day and resting was what it took to make Ezra happy - to make him feel more secure in their relationship - then it was a small price to pay.  If it was that important to the Guide, then the Sentinel would comply...this time.

“Alright, Guide, if that’s what you need, then that’s what I’ll do,” Chris told him solemnly and felt the wave of surprised wonder and delight that swept over the bond from Ezra. The grin he had been fighting back emerged in full bloom as Ezra’s own smile blazed across his dear little face.

“You take your medicine,” Ezra told him authoritatively, suddenly feeling ten feet tall at the affirmation of Chris’ willingness to listen to him.  “I’ll go see what we have for breakfast.”

“Nothing on the stove,” Chris warned with a stern look, his willingness to indulge his Guide only going so far when the boy’s safety was at risk.  “I’m still your Sentinel and it’s my job to take care of you, too, remember. You need an adult with you if you’re going to be around the stove.  That’s the rule.”

Ezra felt the concern that Chris was projecting wrap around him like a warm, snuggly blanket.  He couldn’t be upset at the order.  He liked the feeling behind it too much to complain about being treated like a baby.  He smiled at his Sentinel again and nodded.

“I’ll go see if Buck’s awake then,” he agreed.  “You stay there.”  The boy started across the room then spun around, and repeated with a mini-glare that was completely ruined by his happy grin, “Take your medicine.”

Chris gave a crisp salute, that made the boy giggle, and settled back against the headboard obediently. Ezra raced from the room in high spirits, his confidence rising, and his outlook becoming optimistic like never before.  Chris opened himself up to the emotions the boy was broadcasting, and absorbed them all like a thirsty sponge.  It felt so damn good.  He felt so damn good.  It had been so long since he had felt any kind of positive emotion.  He sighed with a kind of poignant contentment - determinedly squashing all traces of the guilt that wanted to flood him for feeling it  now that his Sarah and Adam were gone. For this small moment in time he treated himself to a bit of peace. Still smiling, he twisted the little dose cup off the Senti-quil bottle and proceeded to take his cold medicine like a good Sentinel.   

Breakfast in bed. Another day spent just being with his bondmate and getting to know each other better while reinforcing their bond.  Yeah, it was such a hardship; he chuckled to himself and reached for his orange juice to wash the taste of the medicine from his mouth as he cranked his sense of taste waaayyy down.  Senti-quil might be safe for him to take, but it still tasted like mint-flavored dirty socks.

He leaned forward, stuffed a pillow up against the headboard, and leaned back again, squirming once to get comfortable.  He knew the news of the little Guide asserting himself would be all over the Guild as soon as he called into his office to let them know he was not coming in that day as planned.  He could imagine the snickers and smiles that news would engender, but he knew they would be the good-natured kind because most Guild members would view it as an excellent sign of a strong and healthy bonding.  He was determined that they would never have cause to doubt it.  He and Ezra might not have bonded in a conventional way, but they belonged together, and together they would stay. 

His bondmate raced back into the room and threw himself on the bed. Surreptitiously glancing at the small plastic cup to make sure Chris had actually taken the medicine as ordered, Ezra’s face was a rival for the sun when he spotted the tell-tale drops of blue-green in the bottom of the tiny plastic cup. 

“Buck and Vin are up, already,” the boy informed him happily - if unnecessarily as Chris had already heard both Buck and Vin talking in the kitchen -  as he crawled across the sheets and curled up beside his Sentinel who had held the covers up in invitation.  “He’s just starting to make breakfast now.  He says to give him fifteen minutes, and then I can come and fix a tray for you.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Chris told him as he wrapped both arms around the child and hugged him tightly, content for now to just exist in the moment and be with his bondmate.

Ezra snuggled up close and sighed.  He reveled in the feelings Chris was sending him across the bond, and sent back his own contentment and happiness.  Kojay had been right after all. Maybe things were not as frightening and desperate as he had imagined.  Maybe it would be alright in spite of everything.  

Maybe wishes really did come true, he thought with a happy grin. 

When he and Vin had started their journey away from Mr. Smith, he had wished with all his might that they would find the place that Vin’s dream had promised would be waiting for them. It had been a long, frightening road to reach it, but he finally felt like he had found where he was supposed to be and the people he was supposed to be with – his true family. 

Giving another happy sigh, Ezra cuddled closer to his Sentinel and knew he really had found his true home.

The End 

 Next story : Growing Into It


Home    Chapters 1-7     Chapters 8-11   Chapters 12 -13   Chapters 14 - 15   1000th Man Page