Disclaimer: You know the drill.
Warning: Hanky alert!
Into the Rose Garden
By Purple Lacey
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden.
-- T. S. Eliot--
Josiah Sanchez, profiler for the ATF’s Team Seven, was watching his younger teammates on a Friday afternoon in Denver. Observing the antics of his friends was one of his favorite occupations. His friends beat anything he might watch on television hands down.
They were funnier than the most popular sitcom, and more dramatic than any movie of the week could ever be. Their work could make any action hero look like a cowering wimp and the strange and oft times bizarre predicaments they constantly found themselves in could push the envelope of believability farther than any believe-it-or-not reality based program. Josiah figured he saved a fortune in cable TV and video rental fees just by indulging himself in his favorite hobby.
“I’m telling you, JD, that wasn’t a woman,” Buck shook his head firmly at his young friend. “Trust me, because I know what I’m talking about here.”
JD snorted, “Just because she didn’t fall for any of those moldy pickup lines of yours doesn’t mean she’s a man. It just means she’s too smart for you. She could see straight through you to the bull you were dishing out.”
“My lines are not moldy, you little…” Buck began as he started after the young agent who hurriedly put the desk between himself and the irritated man.
“Come on, Buck,” JD smirked as he made a feint around the desk corner then darted back the opposite way causing Buck to miss when he tried to grab him in a headlock. “I’ve seen three month old bread that had less mold than those lines you were spouting.”
“So, Bucklin,” Vin’s voice broke in as he watched the large man chase the smaller around the desk, “If you knew it was a man, why’d you throw him out a line? Is there something you need to tell us about yourself, pard?”
“Now wait one damned minute,” Buck yelped and stopped chasing after JD to face this new tormentor.
“Really, Mr. Wilmington, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and you’re among friends. I assure you that your sexual orientation would make no difference to us,” Ezra drawled with a seriously sincere look on his face, but his eyes were dancing with laughter. “I’ve often thought that your obsessive chasing of women was merely a way to try to cover up other latent urges. It’s good that you can finally come out of the closet.”
“Sexual orient…latent… I ain’t… I didn’t… Who said…” Buck stammered in chagrin then puffed out his chest and stated indigently, “Now, you boys just hold on there! I ain’t never swung that way and you know it. I don’t want to hear another word about it coming out of your mouths either, you hear me? That’s the way nasty rumors get started. I’ve got a reputation to think of, you know!”
“Since you ladies don’t seem to be particularly busy at the moment I take it that all your reports are finished,” the menacing voice of their team leader, Chris Larabee, surprised the men as he walked out of his office into the team’s bull pit.
“Just about, Chris,” Buck hurried around to his desk and resumed typing his delayed report.
“Mine is completed, Mr. Larabee,” Ezra said and handed the report folder to the scowling man in black.
“Show off,” JD muttered under his breath, as he headed for his own computer terminal.
“I want all your reports on my desk before five o’clock. That gives you two hours to finish. I don’t want any excuses either. You’ll stay until they’re all done. Maybe that’ll give you all an incentive to cut down on the horseplay in the office,” Chris growled.
Chris smirked in satisfaction as the only sounds to be heard in the office were the sounds of five sets of fingers hitting the keys on computer keyboards as the agents got back to work.
Forty five minutes later, Josiah whisked the last page of his report off the printer and straightened the stack with a tap on the desk. He slipped it into the report folder and was just about to take it into Chris’ office when his phone rang.
“Agent Sanchez,” he said when he picked the handset.
“Agent Sanchez, this is John Tyler at the front desk. We’ve got a courier here with something for you. Do you want me to send him up after we scan it or do you want to come down here and pick it up?” the security guard on duty in the main lobby asked.
“Just send him up, John, thanks,” Josiah replied.
“Sure thing, Agent Sanchez.”
Several long minutes later, the elevator dinged and the doors opened to reveal a courier with a flat package tucked under his arm and a clip board in his hand.
“Josiah Sanchez,” the courier asked, looking around at the seated agents.
“Here,” Josiah said and rose from his chair to approach the young man.
“Sign here, please,” he was told and the courier held out the clipboard. “Thanks.”
“Thank you,” Josiah said with a smile.
The courier made his way back to the elevator and Josiah went back to his desk and sat down again, turning the package over in his hand looking for a return address.
“St. Jerome’s Hospice?” Josiah questioned in surprise.
Josiah tore the strip across the top of the flat package and shook out an envelope and a black and white photograph. Josiah’s curiosity caused him to pick up the photo and look at it before opening the letter. When he looked at the picture the blood drained from his face, and he sat frozen in place for several minutes.
It wasn’t possible. There was no way it was possible. Not after all these years. Josiah reached for the letter with hands shaking in shock and tore open the envelope. He had to lay the letter on the desk top in order to read it because he had started shaking so hard the paper wouldn’t stay still enough for him to read it.
Dear Father,
I bet you didn’t expect to see that when you opened this letter did you? I’m sure this is quite a shock for you having your long lost daughter suddenly appear out of thin air after twenty eight or so years? What can I say? Surprise! just doesn’t seem to cover it, does it? Sorry, Mother always said I had a twisted sense of humor. I guess she was right.
I suppose you’re wondering how I found you? It took me a long time, several years, as a matter of fact. Mother passed away about seven years ago. I guess you probably didn’t know that, did you? When I cleaned out her house after her death I found a lot of old papers and photos in her things. They included a copy of your birth certificate, your marriage certificate, and your divorce papers.
I got curious. I mean, here was one of my parents, my own father, and I could hardly remember anything about him. I guess I wanted to find out about you because you were a part of me I knew almost nothing about, a part Mother would never talk about. I started searching for you using the information that I discovered at Mother’s house. I spent the next few years tracking you down. I found you about a year ago.
Now you’re wondering why I didn’t make contact with you when I first found you, aren’t you? To be honest, I was afraid. I expended so much time and effort to find you. I researched every area of your life that I could get my hands on. I built up this image of you in my head; how you would act and feel when you found out about me. I dreamed of walking up to you and announcing I was your daughter and having you take me into your arms and give me all the hugs I had missed getting from you as a child.
I had quite a wonderful fantasy going when I finally did find you. So wonderful in fact, that I couldn’t bring myself to risk shattering the illusion. If I didn’t tell you, then you couldn’t deny me or turn away from me. I’m ashamed to say I played the coward, and let my own fears rob me of all that time. Time I could have used to get to know you and have you get to know me. It’s something that I deeply regret, because time is so dreadfully short for me now.
I’m dying. How’s that for a kick in the teeth, huh? First you find your daughter then she dies. What wonderful irony. I bet you’re starting to wish you had never opened this letter, aren’t you? I apologize again. Sometimes humor is all that gets me through the day now, black and twisted as that humor may be. I’ve always thought it was better to laugh than to cry. I’m doing a lot of laughing these days.
So, that brings us to now. As you probably saw, I’m staying at St Jerome’s Hospice. I’d like to see you and get to know you in the time I have left, but will understand if this is all too much for you to deal with. I leave the decision in your hands.
Do what you have to do for you.
By the way, the photo I enclosed has become my favorite one. I wanted you to have it so you’d have something to remember me by.
Always your loving daughter,
Michelle Sanchez Taylor.
“Josiah? Josiah, are you alright?”
JD’s concerned voice brought Josiah’s attention back into the present. He stared blankly at the six men that surrounded his desk. When had they approached him? He hadn’t even been aware of them until JD’s voice had penetrated his daze.
Nathan was kneeling at his side and reached out to lay a hand on his wrist to check his pulse.
“Are you okay, Josiah,” he asked as he scanned his friend’s pale features. “Do you feel faint, or have any chest pains?” The concerned paramedic asked. “Are you having difficultly breathing?”
Josiah weakly waved him away and stood up.
“I’m okay. Really, I’m fine.”
“Judging by your current appearance, I would have to say “fine” is not a word that should be applied to you at this moment in time,” Ezra said. “I have never seen anyone who looked less “fine” than you do at present, my friend.”
“Josiah,” Chris began.
“I tell you I’m alright! There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m healthy, and I’m alive, and I’m… I’m,” Josiah’s voice broke, “I’m losing my daughter.”
Tears began running down the big man’s face and he collapsed into his chair. Great sobs began to wrack the man’s body as he tried to hold his emotions in check.
“Your daughter!” Buck cried. “What daughter? When did this happen, and what do you mean you’re losing her?”
Josiah couldn’t speak so handed the letter to Buck, but kept the photo and pressed it over his heart. Buck quickly read the letter then looked at Josiah in deep sympathy.
“Oh lord, Josiah, I’m sorry! This is the most awful thing I’ve ever heard,” Buck told him.
“What, Buck?” JD asked and rather than explaining, Buck handed the letter to the young man.
While JD read the letter and passed it on to the others, Buck walked behind the distraught man and wrapped his arms around the large, shaking frame and hugged tightly, trying to show his friend with his touch how much he grieved with him because he knew there were no words that would comfort the older man.
The remaining five agents watched their suffering brother in silence, no one knowing what to say to the grieving father. They were stunned at the revelation of this secret and a little pained that the man they considered such an integral part of their family had not trusted them enough to tell them about it.
“Oh, God!” Josiah cried out, “How could you turn your face from me this way? How could you be so cruel as to give me back what I lost only to snatch it away again! How I can I bear to lose her all over again?”
Josiah reached up and grabbed onto Buck’s arms as they surrounded him, seeking an anchor in the maelstrom his life had suddenly become. His friends could see his knuckles turn white, so tight was his grip. Buck pulled his friend closer and stoically bore the pain of Josiah’s hands knowing he would have several bruises tomorrow as a reminder of this moment. Josiah dropped his head back against Buck’s chest and cried out his grief in the security of his friend’s steadfast embrace.
7777777
The night was quiet and still when Josiah awoke from his exhausted slumber. He turned his head to study the clock on his bedside table. Three AM. He’d been asleep for several hours, now he was wide awake and the memory of what had driven him into the depths of exhaustion returned to haunt him once more. He had found his daughter, his baby girl. After all those long and lonely years, she was here in this very city.
Josiah found he couldn’t remain in his bed any longer. He needed to move, to release some of his emotions in action before he exploded, so he rose from his bed and left his bedroom. He moved down the short hall towards his living room and stopped in the doorway. He glanced around the room and saw his friends sleeping on various pieces of his furniture and the floor. Josiah had to smile. They had refused to leave him alone, not that he had wanted them to. Josiah knew they were all worried about him, and felt comforted just by their presence.
Josiah could only remember fleeting images of the trip from the office to his home. He remembered being in the elevator surrounded by the protective wall of his friend’s and hearing Larabee’s voice telling someone that they would have to catch the next elevator.
He could remember sitting in the backseat of Nathan’s Explorer and Buck reaching across him to buckle his seat belt then feeling the warmth of Buck’s body as he was pulled into the man’s comforting embrace again. He could remember the feel of JD’s hand patting his leg and hearing his young voice murmuring words he couldn’t take in, only the concerned tone penetrating his dazed state.
He remembered Nathan’s gentle hands as the medic removed his shoes and pressed him back against the mattress on his bed and recalled Vin’s blue eyes, filled with sympathy and concern, watching him as he rested on the bed before exhaustion dragged him under and he slept.
He also remembered waking from a nightmare and hearing Ezra’s voice telling him it was only a dream and he was safe. He had felt the cooling relief of a damp cloth wiping away the sweat left behind in the wake of the nightmare. It was the feel of Ezra’s hand gently stroking the tension from his forehead that had lulled him back to sleep.
Now sleeping in his living room were four of the friends who had taken such good care of him when he was beyond caring for himself. The only ones missing were Buck and Vin. He could image the difficulty those two must have had in leaving him, but knowing their responsibilities at home had forced them to depart. He couldn’t fault them for leaving. He was thankful he had the rest of his family near him. He would need them in the days to come. He was certain he wouldn’t be able to get through this without borrowing from their combined strength.
Josiah quietly walked into the kitchen, not bothering to turn on a light for fear of disturbing the sleeping men. In the kitchen, he opened the refrigerator and found cartons of leftover Chinese food on the shelves that had not been there that morning. Obviously his friends had opted for ordering in for dinner. His growling stomach suddenly reminded him that it had been several hours since lunch, so Josiah removed a carton and peeked inside: General Tso’s Chicken. That would do he decided.
Josiah opened a drawer and took out a fork, closing the drawer with his hip. He sat down with the open carton at his kitchen table and began to consume the impromptu meal cold. He had been eating for only a few minutes when he felt eyes on him and lifted his head to face the kitchen door. Chris was standing in the doorway silently watching him in the dim light reflected from the kitchen window. Neither man broke the silence but continued to watch each other for a few moments then Chris entered the kitchen and pulled out one of the chairs and sat down.
“Feeling better?” Chris asked quietly, scanning Josiah’s face and relaxing when he smiled at him.
“Yeah. I guess I really lost it, didn’t I? It was just such a complete shock,” Josiah explained.
“I could see where it would be,” Chris agreed. He was silent for a moment longer as he watched Josiah eat then asked the question he had wanted to ask all evening. “Why didn’t you ever tell us you had a daughter?”
Josiah heaved a big sigh, and hung his head, avoiding looking at his friend as he gathered his thoughts. When he was ready he looked Chris in the eye and asked, “Why don’t you ever talk about Adam?”
The team leader stiffened for a moment and then relaxed again.
“I don’t talk about him because it hurts too much,” Chris replied, “but I never made a secret of his existence. You all knew I had him and what happened to him.”
“Buck told us about him and what happened to him and Sarah. You never mentioned anything until after Buck told you we knew. You never once brought it up. Be honest now, if Buck hadn’t told us do you ever think you would have said anything on your own? Isn’t Adam like an open wound on your soul that just won’t heal, and talking about him like poking at it with a sharp stick?
It was the same with my daughter for me. She was lost to me and she became the wound on my soul. I thought I would never see her again, and remembering was so very painful. I stuck her in a corner of my memory and tried to build a wall around her, although occasionally something would remind me of her and the wall would crumble. Then I would have to start all over again. Those are the lowest points of my life.”
“Those black moods you sometimes get…was that the cause of them?” Chris asked.
“Some of them. Most of them,” Josiah confessed, “until I could rebuild the wall up high enough again.”
“How did you lose her?”
Josiah sighed deeply and dropped his eyes to watch the fork in his hand as he toyed with the food still in the carton.
“It was my own stupid, arrogant fault,” Josiah whispered. “You know I was the son of a missionary. I found life as a missionary’s son so completely restrictive there were times I felt like I was living in an emotional strait jacket. I had to break out, stretch my wings, which put me at odds with my father. I couldn’t live up to my father’s expectations and still remain sane, so I became the direct opposite of what he wanted me to be. I was wild and reckless, and constantly rebelling against him and his beliefs. We argued all the time. Any time spent together in our house turned into an occasion for open warfare. By the time I reached my teenage years, I spent a lot of time at school and on the streets so I didn’t have to go home.
When I was seventeen I met Rachel. Rachel was sixteen and had just moved into the neighborhood. She was quiet and shy, and smart, and funny. She also had a father that liked to get drunk and beat on her mother and her, so she tried to avoid going home as much as I did. We got to know each other pretty well and became friends. Pretty soon we started going out together and, being teenagers who thought they were grown and knew it all, naturally enough we got into trouble.” Josiah laughed and shook his head at the foolishness of his young self.
“Rachel got pregnant. My emotions were so confused when Rachel told me. I was scared, and thrilled, and worried, and excited all at once. There was one thing I knew for certain though. Rachel couldn’t go home and tell her father. We both knew he’d beat her half to death if he found out, and then come after me. We decided we needed to get married, so we sneaked across the county line and lied about our ages.”
Josiah’s face softened at the memories flooding his mind.
“We came back so very pleased with ourselves, like conquering heroes returning home in triumph. We had never really thought anything through beyond getting married. In our minds, that was the answer to all the problems, after all in all the fairy tales they got married and lived happily ever after. It wasn’t long before reality smacked us in the face.
Reality was moving in with my father and getting a job after school and on weekends to pay for the doctor bills that piled up while Rachel was pregnant and later for the baby’s needs. Reality was Rachel having to drop out of school. Reality was staying home at night instead of going to the football game or the prom because I was too tired from going to school then working all evening, and didn’t have the money to waste anyway. And reality,” Josiah’s voice became tender, “was Michelle.”
Josiah stopped talking as he became lost in his memories. Chris sat quietly and waited patiently for Josiah to continue, content to let the man tell the story at his own pace.
“Michelle was a bright star shining in both of our lives. She was the best baby, hardly cried at all. She learned to laugh early, and she had the sweetest laugh. I would drag myself home at night after one of those long days that never seemed to end, so tired and depressed that I could hardly stand it. Then she would smile at me and laugh and suddenly everything would seem brighter, better. She made the struggle worthwhile,” Josiah looked up at Chris, “You know what I mean?”
Chris smiled and nodded, “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.”
“When I graduated from high school I decided the best way to support my family was to join the Army. Rachel didn’t’ agree, and we had some miserable fights over it. She was scared of what might happen to me, but I was still young enough to think I was indestructible and was convinced that I was right…so I joined up anyway. Looking back, I can see that was the first chip in the foundation of our marriage. She never really forgave me for that.
I was shipped off to boot camp and she was left at home alone with the baby. I remember I missed them both so much I’d lie on my bunk at night and fight to keep from crying. I was so happy when I was finally stationed so they could come live with me.
I remember waiting at the train station for their train to get in. I kept pacing and checking my watch and looking down the tracks straining to hear the first sound of that train. I know I must have driven the stationmaster half crazy asking if the time was correct and when the train would arrive.”
Josiah had to stop and laugh at this memory of himself.
“I can still remember the feeling of joy that flooded me when I saw Rachel step down from that train with little Michelle asleep on her shoulder. I think I must have run down several people in my rush to rejoin my family. I swept Rachel up into my arms and kissed her until we both were breathless. I was so happy we were together again.
We settled down into a small apartment on the base and things were great for about a year until I got shipped overseas,” Josiah broke off and looked at Chris with sadness radiating from his eyes, “things went downhill from there.
I was shipped to Viet Nam and although it was close to the end of the war and I wasn’t there very long… it changed me. I saw too much, did too much. I took to drinking to help pass the time and ease my mind. I figured it was better than turning to drugs like some of the other guys did. In hindsight I can see it was another bad mistake. Alcohol is just another kind of drug, even if a more socially acceptable one. I didn’t see how it could ruin my life just as easily as the heroin some of my buddies shot up ruined theirs.
It was the alcohol that finally drove Rachel away. By the time I came home, having a few drinks in the evening was already my established pattern and I didn’t see anything wrong with it. What I forgot was Rachel came from a home with an alcoholic and abusive father. She knew what alcohol could cause a man to do. The more she tried to get me to stop, the more I drank just to show her that I was the man in the family and she couldn’t tell me what to do,” Josiah said and Chris could see the deep regret showing on his face.
“My youthful pride and arrogance wouldn’t let me see what I was doing to her; didn’t let me see that I was starting to scare her. I kept insisting I wasn’t her father, but she wasn’t appeased. She had her own demons working on her. She feared one day I would start acting like her father and start hitting.
If it had been just her, she might have taken a chance and stayed with me, but she was also afraid for Michelle. She was always such a good mother. She was as protective of Michelle as a lioness with her only cub. She wasn’t prepared to let our baby go through the same hell she had lived through.”
Josiah found he could no longer sit still and rose from the table to take a glass from the cabinet and fill it with water from the kitchen sink. Chris watched the tension build in the large man’s shoulders as he drained the water from the glass while looking out the kitchen window at the darkness of his backyard. Josiah set the glass on the counter and gripped the edge of the sink as he continued to stare out the window with his back to Chris.
“When Michelle was four, I was given orders for Germany. I wanted Rachel and the baby to come with me, but she refused. She said she didn’t want to risk trying to make that long trip with Michelle still being so young. Since I was told I was only going to be in Germany for six months, I reluctantly agreed to let her and the baby stay behind. She convinced me it was best for Michelle, and she promised to write everyday and send me pictures of Michelle.
I remember watching out the airplane window as they were waving goodbye at the airfield. I can still see the little red coat and hat Michelle was wearing and the bright smile on her face as she waved at me. I thought the tears that I saw in Rachel’s eyes were just because we would be parted for six months. I never guessed that would be the last time I saw either of them,” Josiah’s voice broke as he spoke those last words, and he started heaving in deep breaths as he struggled to control the tears that threatened to fall again.
Chris rose from the table and walked over to Josiah. He reached out and laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently in silent support. He let his hand rest there as Josiah recovered enough of his composure to continue.
“I received one letter a few days after I arrived in Germany then nothing. I tried writing and received no answer. I tried phoning and discovered the phone had been disconnected. I requested emergency leave but was denied, and I had no way to get back home to see what was happening.
I almost went AWOL but a few buddies kept me from leaving. One had to knock me out once to stop me,” he smiled sadly in remembrance. “They thought they were helping me, but all they did was make it impossible to locate my wife and daughter.
Rachel took our daughter and left with no word to anyone. When I got back, I pounded the streets looking for them, but they had vanished without a trace. She had six months to hide from me, and she was always a smart woman. She hid too well.
I had been back for about four months and just gotten my discharge papers after my hitch was up when I was served with divorce papers. I immediately took off for Las Vegas where the court papers were from, but Rachel had known me too well and was already gone by the time I was served.
I searched for the two of them for years before I finally had to give up and accept that I would never see them again. It was the darkest day of my life, and I came so close to ending it all on that day. I got so drunk it seemed like the most reasonable thing to do to end the pain, but I passed out before I could do it.
For the next month I stayed drunk. It wasn’t until I finally got a look at myself in the mirror one morning as I was reaching into the bathroom cabinet for aspirin that I pulled out of it. I saw my uncombed hair in snarls, and my eyes so bloodshot you could hardly see any other color in them. My skin was dull and pale accept for the yellowing bruises I had gotten from the many bar fights I had started. I realized if my Melissa had seen me this way she wouldn’t even have recognized me, and I probably would have frightened her half to death. I was totally ashamed of what I had become, and I finally realized what I had done to myself and my family.
So I dried myself out, and used my GI benefits to go back to college, and tried to start my life over without them. You pretty much know the rest of my history. I turned the corner and tried not to look back at what I had lost… until today.”
“And now?” Chris asked.
“And now… I go see my daughter,” Josiah said quietly.
Chris studied his friend and thought on all that Josiah had revealed this night. All he saw was the pain that awaited his friend if he chose to go forward and meet with his dying daughter. Chris was reminded of the terrible anguish he had felt at the death of Adam, as though a huge piece of his soul had been ripped out. He could never wish that on anyone, especially this special man. As befitting his personality, Chris tried to protect Josiah from that pain.
“Are you sure, Josiah? Can you…” Chris began but was stopped when Josiah waved him silent.
“Chris, if you were given the chance to spend just one more day with Adam knowing you could only have that one day and them he would be gone and you would have to face the pain again… would you pass it by, or would you jump at the chance to see him, touch him, and say all the things you never got to say to him? Tell me the truth, Chris. Could you walk away?”
Josiah watched as Chris’ jaw ground as he processed this question. Chris’ eyes seemed to lose their focus as he turned his sight inward and searched his own heart. After a few seconds his jaw relaxed and Josiah could see the understanding in his eyes.
“I’ll drive you,” Chris promised.
777777
Josiah stood on the sidewalk in front of St. Jerome’s hospice and stared at the double doors of the entrance.
He thought he had been ready for this, but now he wasn’t so sure. He started slightly as he felt a hand grasp his shoulder.
“You alright with this?” Chris asked.
Josiah felt the warmth of Chris’ hand lying on his shoulder and drew strength from the simple contact. He drew in a deep breath and squared his shoulders then patted Chris’ hand to reassure his concerned friend.
“Yeah. I just needed a moment to find my center,” Josiah reassured him.
“You take all the time you need. We have all day,” Chris assured him. “You don’t have to do this until you’re ready.”
“I’m okay, Chris, and I’m ready to do this. So much time has already been wasted and I don’t want and can’t afford to waste anymore.”
Josiah and Chris walked up the front steps and into the entrance of the hospice. It had a homey atmosphere that tried it’s best to be cheerful, but the underlying smell of antiseptic and disease negated much of the affect. No matter how well the decorator had tried to disguise it, this was a place of death and Death’s skeletal handprint was subliminally apparent.
“May I help you?” the middle-aged receptionist addressed them with a polite smile.
Both men approached the receptionist’s desk and Josiah smiled back at the woman sitting behind it.
“I’m Josiah Sanchez, and this is my friend, Chris Larabee,” Josiah told her, “I’m here to see my daughter, Michelle Taylor.”
“Hello, Mr. Sanchez. I’m Betty Watkins. You can call me Betty. We’re all pretty informal around here,” Betty said and her smile turned more genuine. “If you’ll have a seat I’ll see if Michelle is ready for visitors, alright?”
Josiah nodded his agreement and he and Chris both took seats in the waiting room while Betty rose and left the reception area. Chris picked up a magazine and started thumbing through it idly. Josiah clasped his hands and stared at them as they hung between his knees. He drew deep even breaths in an effort to relax. His nervousness was only apparent in the whiteness of his knuckles.
Betty returned a few minutes later and signaled the two men.
“If you’ll come with me I’ll take you to Michelle’s room,” she said.
“Thank you, Betty,” Josiah said as he stood then looked at Chris who was now watching him.
“Do you want me to go with you?” Chris asked quietly.
Josiah paused for a moment, tempted to take Chris up on the offer, but knew he needed to do this alone, so shook his head.
“I’ll be here when you’re ready,” Chris assured him, “Take your time. Just remember I’m here if you need me.”
Nodding his thanks, Josiah turned and followed Betty as she led him through the door behind the reception desk and down a long hall. They passed many doors along the way. Most were closed but some were open revealing patients attached to monitors and I.V. equipment. Josiah was aware of their pain-filled eyes watching him as he passed their doors. He couldn’t help the shudder that made its way up his spine at the thought of his beautiful, lively Michelle in this place.
Betty came to a stop in front of a closed door and turned to face Josiah once again.
“This is Michelle’s room,” she smiled at him kindly. “If you need anything, just pick up the phone and dial 45. That will connect you to my desk out front, alright?”
“Thank you, Betty,” Josiah answered with a respectful dip of his head, “I appreciate all your help.”
“Don’t think anything of it. Here at St Jerome’s we like to think of our guests as family, and family doesn’t need to say thank you,” Betty smiled again. “I’ll leave you to your visit then.”
Josiah stood at the door quietly and watched the woman walk away, and he realized he was using the woman’s exit as an excuse to put off entering the door in front of him. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Josiah put his hand on the knob, and pushed open the door. He stood motionless in the doorway as the details of the scene imprinted themselves on his brain.
The walls of the room were painted in a sunny yellow and a large picture window let in the sun which illuminated the cheerful patchwork quilt that was pulled over the disturbingly thin blonde woman lying in the hospital bed. IV poles with various lines running from them were hooked to the top of the bed. The country music song playing on the radio was softly accompanied by the low background sound of a heart monitor slowly counting down the remaining heartbeats of the daughter he had not set eyes on in nearly thirty years. The woman that was looking at him with her heart showing in her tear filled eyes.
“Daddy,” she whispered in a broken voice, “you came.”
“Always, Princess. You only had to call. If I had known where to find you at anytime since you were gone, I would have moved heaven and earth to get to you. If you believe only one thing in this life, believe that.”
Josiah’s eyes filled with his own tears and he quickly made his way over to the bed. He carefully took the weeping woman into his arms and pulled her against his chest, laying his head on the top of hers. Her thin arms wrapped around his waist and she held on as tight as her waning strength would allow.
“You’re home,” he rasped with a voice made rough with emotion as the tears flowed freely down his face, “My baby’s finally home.”
7777777
Chris had been sitting in the waiting area for over an hour when he chanced to glance out the window. He should have been expecting it, he thought to himself. Looking out over the hospice parking lot, Chris saw Buck, Vin, and JD in Vin’s battered Suburban, parked next to Ezra’s Jag, and one row back was Nathan’s Explorer.
Josiah and Chris had spent the rest of the previous night talking or more accurately Josiah talking and Chris listening. It had been the sound of Buck and Vin arriving the following morning that roused the still sleeping team members. While Josiah took a shower, the task of explaining Josiah’s painful past to the rest of the team had fallen on Chris and he had gladly born the burden to spare his friend the additional pain that re-visiting the past would have caused.
The whole team had been saddened by the news of what their friend had endured, and each felt the need to show their support and lend their strength to their grieving friend. The argument over who would go with Josiah to the hospice had started as soon as Chris had told them that Josiah planned to visit that morning and he, Chris, didn’t think the whole team crowding in on the reunion would be good idea. Chris had eventually pulled rank and told them he had already promised Josiah that he would take him and the discussion was finished. Needless to say this had not gone over well with his teammates.
Now there they were, staking out the parking lot in spite of his orders to the contrary. Chris had to shake his head at his own foolish complacency. His team members knew the importance of following orders when it came to their job, but when it came to their family… well that was a totally different story. He wanted to be angry with them, but somehow couldn’t. Josiah was just as much their brother as his. They had as much right to worry about him as Chris did, and they felt just as deep a need to be there to support the older man. He knew in their place he would be doing the same thing.
Chris walked from the waiting area and out the front door. He stood on the front steps with his fists resting on his hips, staring down his brother agents who met his glaring eyes calmly but determinedly. Sometimes being a good leader meant knowing when to come down hard on his men, and when to let things slide. Chris had always been a good leader.
Chris jerked his head back toward the building and caused a hurried exodus from the vehicles. No words were spoken as the six men filed into the waiting area and took seats. Betty watched in puzzlement as the five new visitors found chairs.
Chris smiled at the woman and stated, “We’re just waiting for Josiah.”
Betty looked at each face closely and smiled her approval.
“It’s always better when our guests and their families have a large support system. I’m glad to see Josiah and Michelle have so many people they can count on. They’ll need all the help and comfort you can give them,” she said gently, “It’s a very hard path they have to walk now.”
Her kindly meant words caused terse nods and the straightening of shoulders in her listeners. The men made eye contact with each other and the silence rang with the unspoken promise that the team would be there to lend their strength to their brother. They would get him through whatever he faced. It was a promise set in stone.
It was two more hours before Josiah emerged from Michelle’s room and returned to the waiting room. He paused in the doorway and smiled fondly, not at all surprised to find all six of his brothers waiting for him.
They were family, and this is what they did. The pattern had repeated itself time and time again. If one hurt, six were there to protect and help mend him. It didn’t matter if it was a physical hurt or an emotional one, the reaction was always the same… and Josiah gave thanks to the Lord for these six men every time.
JD was the first to notice him standing there and jumped up immediately to rush to his side.
“Hey, Josiah,” he said as he closely examined the older man’s face trying to judge his mental state, “How’d it go?”
Josiah threw his arm around JD and pulled him close in a hug.
“Very well, Brother JD,” Josiah replied with a calm smile and peaceful eyes, “Very, very well.”
Six men released the breaths they had unconsciously been holding and returned the man’s smile with relief.
“So when do we get to meet this lovely daughter of yours?” Buck asked.
“She’s resting right now. She tires easily. I told her I’d come back in a few hours. I’d like to introduce you then. I told her a lot about you and she’s looking forward to meeting all of you.”
“Cool,” JD said, “Why don’t we go get something to eat and you can tell us about her. It’s not fair that she start out with such a big advantage over us.”
The group waved goodbye to the watchful Betty and left the hospice in good spirits, cheerfully arguing over what restaurant to go to and whose vehicles they would take.
77777
Josiah climbed the steps to the hospice as the evening sun was setting in a beautiful orange and red burst of color. He swung open the doors and entered with a grin for the woman behind the receptionist’s desk.
“Evening, Betty,” he said with his customary dip of the head, “How you are this fine night?”
“I’m doing great, Josiah. How was your day?”
“It was busy, but productively so. How’s my girl this evening? Did the doctor up her medication like she was afraid he was going to do?” Josiah asked.
“I don’t know, Josiah, but judging by the good mood she was in today I’d have to guess he didn’t,” Betty replied helpfully.
“That’s great news. I know she was worried about that. She really hates that stuff. Says it makes her too groggy to make the most of her time. I can’t say that I blame her for that.”
“I believe Vin and Ezra are visiting with her now,” she informed him.
Josiah wasn’t at all surprised to hear this. In the three weeks since his first meeting with Michelle, he and the other six men had become regular visitors. Josiah came to see Michelle for about an hour in the mornings before he went to work and then again after work was over. He frequently arrived in the evening or the weekend to find one or more of his teammates in his daughter’s room, and several times one of them had accompanied him when he left work to drop by for his evening visit. Josiah knew the men had started visiting his daughter for his sake, but had soon fallen under her spell and now visited her because they actively liked her. They had accepted her into their growing family with ease, and Josiah knew he was not the only one who would mourn when she left this world.
A few moments later, Josiah quietly opened the door to Michelle’s room and stood unobserved in the doorway watching the room’s occupants. His daughter was sitting in the recliner by her window with the light daisy-patterned throw blanket, which Nathan had thoughtfully brought her when he found out that daisies were her favorite flower, draped across her legs. Vin and Ezra were seated in a little circle with her.
The men were trying to out do one another in telling embarrassing tales on each other. Michelle was giggling like a teenager as their stories had become progressively more outrageous.
Josiah was gratified to see the shadow of despair that had clouded Michelle’s eyes the first time he saw her again was no longer present. His friends had managed to drive it way with the light of their concern and caring. She was almost glowing in response to their kindness and attention. They had managed to help bring the laughter and humor that had always been such a big part of her personality back to the surface, and she now seemed to have an easier time getting through the day and dealing with her illness. Josiah knew he would never be able to repay his friends for the good they were doing for his daughter. He could only give thanks that he could count men of such high caliber as his friends and his brothers.
Michelle glanced up and caught sight of him standing in the doorway and her smile widened in loving welcome.
“Hi Daddy, look who came to visit,” she said, “Seems like I’m very popular tonight.”
“Could a woman of such dazzling wit and good company be anything else but popular?” Ezra asked gallantly.
“Ooo, now I’m being flattered,” Michelle laughed, “but don’t stop on my account!”
The laughter this remarked caused had barely died down when the door opened and the rest of Team Seven walked in. Josiah smiled a greeting at his friends, and then noticed the questioning looks they were throwing at Michelle. Josiah turned his head toward his daughter and found her watching him closely.
She was still smiling but Josiah could see a look of trepidation in her eyes as she looked at him, and he noticed she had started twisting the edge of her blanket in an uncharacteristic bout of nervousness.
“Michelle?” he asked carefully, “is something wrong, Princess?”
“Not wrong, exactly,” She replied. “I just had to tell you something and thought you might need… eh… want your friends here when I told you. I called them and asked them to come.”
“Sweetheart, you know you can tell me anything,” Josiah assured her, worried about the news that had her so agitated. “You never have to be afraid to talk to me. I thought you knew that?”
“It wasn’t that I was afraid, Daddy,” she hastened to reassure him when she caught a glimpse of hurt in his eyes. “I was just… being a little selfish. I wanted time alone with you for myself. I wanted to get to know you as my father and nothing else. It wasn’t fair, and I’m sorry for that, but I needed this time… for me.”
“I don’t understand, Princess. You know I wanted to be with you, too. Why would you think that was wrong?” Josiah asked in confusion
“That’s not what I mean. I don’t think spending time with you was wrong. It’s just,” Michelle broke off in frustration. “This is harder than I thought it would be. Okay,” she breathed out a deep sigh. “JD, would you look in the top drawer in that dresser and bring me the blue book that’s on top, please?”
“Sure Michelle,” JD said and jumped up and hurried to the dresser.
He returned a moment later with the item she wanted and handed it to her.
Michelle held the book in her hand for a moment as she looked at her father and said, “They say a picture is worth a thousand words.”
At this, she opened the front cover of the book to reveal it was actually a photo album and the photograph on the first page was of two children, a girl and a boy. The girl had light blonde hair and the boy had medium brown. Both were smiling into the camera with blue eyes shining with laughter.
Josiah looked blankly at the picture and thought the children looked familiar, and then it hit him with the force of a baseball bat to the head. The shape of the eyes, and the laughter shining out of them reminded him of Michelle! He looked in stunned surprise at the woman watching him with a trembling smile on her anxious face.
“These are my children, Rhiannon, and Lucas,” she quietly said, her voice trembling, “your grandchildren.”
Josiah felt the earth under him move and only realized when he felt Buck’s grip on his arm the he was the one swaying.
Buck helped him to the chair that Nathan was holding out and he collapsed into it.
"Grandchildren?” Josiah whispered. “I have two grandchildren? Your son and daughter?”
“Mine,” she affirmed. “Rhiannon just turned five, and Lucas is three. They’re staying with a friend of mine right now. She brings them to see me during the day when you’re at work. I’m sorry for springing them on you like this. I really didn’t mean to hurt you by keeping the news from you.”
Tears began to fill her eyes and drip down her cheeks, and suddenly Josiah couldn’t stand to be even that far away from her. He rose quickly and moved across the room to kneel by her chair and take her into his arms. He brushed his cheek against her hair as her tears were absorbed by his shirt.
“No, baby, no,” he said almost roughly, “its okay, Princess. You didn’t hurt me.” Josiah pulled back and reached out his hands to wipe the last of her tears away with gentle fingers. He smiled and continued, “You may have startled me a bit… alright a lot, but that’s okay. Everyone needs a little jolt in their lives once in awhile to keep the blood pumping. You certainly got mine going for me, so… thanks.”
Michelle gave a hiccupping little laugh at his attempt at humor, and pressed her face back against his chest for a moment before pushing back and looking at him again.
“You’re not angry at me for keeping them a secret from you?”
“No, Princess, I’m not angry,” he told her as he cupped her face in his hands and she could see all the love he felt for her shining out of his eyes. “I’m just happy you finally felt secure enough to tell me about them.”
“Hey boys, Josiah’s a Granddaddy,” Buck’s enthusiastic voice broke the solemn moment, and Josiah started slightly. He had forgotten his friends were in the room.
“Congratulations, Granpa,” JD laughed, and slapped him on the back.
As his friends continued to pour out their congratulations, it finally sunk in. He was a grandfather. He had not one but two grandchildren. The wonder of that brought a delighted smile to his face and he reached down and picked up the photo album from the floor where Michelle dropped it and stared at the young faces that were captured there.
“They’re beautiful, Princess,” Josiah told her. “They look just like you.”
“ Well, Lucas has his father’s hair and chin,” Melissa stated.
“Where is his father?” Vin asked quietly.
“Brad is out of the picture,” Melissa told him with out flinching. “He took off about 8 months after Lucas was born and I haven’t seen him since divorce court. He apparently found somebody else that made him feel “young and free again”. When I offered to refuse child support in exchange for him surrendering all rights to the children he jumped at the chance. I was more than happy to go it alone just to get him out of our lives. As far as the children and I are concerned, he’s already dead. At the rate he was “catching up on all the excitement he’d missed by being tied to the family-man scene” he may very well be dead by now. I haven’t tried to keep up with him.”
Josiah ran his fingers over the faces shown in the picture almost reverently, trying to absorb the fact that his baby had babies of her own. He felt his chest swell with pride and he looked at Michelle with that pride shining out at her.
“I thought you might like to come meet them tomorrow. My friend is bringing them by around three o’clock. I thought I could introduce you and you can get to know them… if you want to,” Michelle said with a teasing smile.
“If I want to? Just try to keep me away,” Josiah laughed.
“Why did I just know you were going to say that?” she laughed with him.
77777777
Waiting in Michelle’s room the next day for his grandchildren to arrive, Josiah was reminded of the day Michelle had been born. He was amused at himself when he recognized he was feeling a lot of the same emotions that he had experienced thirty two years ago. He was nervous, and excited, and more than a little scared.
“Are you sure you’re alright with this, Daddy?” Michelle asked quietly.
Josiah’s head snapped around to meet his daughter’s concerned eyes.
“Positive, Princess,” he hastened to reassure her. “I never thought I’d ever be blessed with grandchildren, and that’s exactly what they are to me… blessings. I haven’t even met them yet, but they’re already special to me because they’re part of you, and there is no one in this world that’s as special as you, sweetheart,” Josiah returned with a warm, genuine smile that his daughter returned.
“That’s sweet, Daddy, but I have no doubt that those two are going to wrap your heart around their little fingers. I know they have mine. They’re both great kids, even if that is a loving mother talking,” Michelle told him.
“What are they like?”
“Well, Rhi is my kind hearted one. She can’t stand to see anyone or anything suffering. She was constantly dragging home every wounded animal in the neighborhood,” Michelle said with a fond smile, “From the time she was three years old, she’s maintained she’s going to be a nurse when she grows up. I think she’d be a great one. She’s always ready to lend a hand. She’s been my little helper since she was old enough to walk. She’s always looking out for her little brother… playing the little mother, which drives him to distraction on occasion. She’s also very much a girl. There’s very little of the tomboy in her.
Lucas is my little whirlwind, and I swear he has more imagination than any ten children combined. I never know what he’s going to come up with next, and to make it worse, he has absolutely no fear of anything. I don’t know how many times I’ve turned around and almost had a heart attack at what he was trying. I’ve had to climb onto the roof to get him down when he decided to play George of the Jungle, and one time I had to jump into the swimming pool, fully clothed mind you, when he tried out a submarine he had made out of a large plastic bucket and some garbage bags,” Michelle shook her head in remembrance of her son’s wild antics.
Josiah was chuckling at the look of loving exasperation on his daughter’s face.
“Sure, laugh it up,” she mocked glared at her father, “Just wait until the first time he tries one of his adventures on you. We’ll see who’s laughing then.”
“I have the right to laugh, young lady.” Josiah told her with a wry grin. “I remember practically flying up a tree near our apartment when you were three because you’d decided you were related to Superman and tried to fly. You crawled out your window onto a nearby branch and jumped off. The towel you had tied around your neck as a cape getting caught on a branch is the only thing that kept you from hitting the ground. I was scared to death you were going to strangle before I could get to you. You took ten years off my life with that stunt.”
“I did that?” Michelle asked in surprise.
“You most certainly did,” he assured her, “so I’d say that Lucas comes by it naturally. He inherited that fearless adventurer gene from you!”
Michelle looked at him with her head cocked to one side and eyed him with amused speculation.
“So where do you think I got the gene from?”
Josiah gazed at her with a calm, even look and said, “You must have inherited it from your mother’s side of the family.”
Michelle broke into laughter and Josiah was unable to maintain his straight face and joined her.
“This from the man that chases explosive-toting terrorists, and gunrunning criminals for a living,” she smirked.
“You make it sound so dangerous,” he teased, “Everybody knows we just sit around in an air conditioned office and drink coffee while we do computer searches. How dangerous can that be?”
“Umm hmm. I might fall for that one except for one thing,” Michelle told him.
“And what’s that?”
“I can read! I’ve seen how many times you and your team made the papers with some raid. I’ve also followed how many times you and your teammates seem to wind up in the hospital. You can’t fool me because I know better.”
“What can I say?” Josiah tried to make light of it, “They’re a clumsy bunch.”
“Riigghhtt,” Michelle drawled.
Josiah tried his best to look innocent but failed miserably when he could not suppress his grin.
The lighthearted teasing had helped relax Josiah’s nerves enough so that when the door was opened to reveal the two children holding the hands of a young woman, he was able to smile, and warmly welcome the newcomers with ease.
The children’s eyes had latched onto him the moment the door opened, and both watched him with fascination, although Josiah could read different reactions to his presence in the young faces.
Rhiannon was a little shy and nervous and hung onto the hand wrapped around hers a little tighter, unsure whether she really wanted to advance to meet this large man staring at them with a smile and kind eyes, but Lucas was pulling against the restraining hand of Michelle’s friend, eager to make the acquaintance of this new male in his life.
“Hi!” he said with excitement making his voice even louder than normal, “Are you my Grandpa? Mama said we was gonna meet our Grandpa today when we came to visit, and we’re here visitin’ now and here you are, so are you my Grandpa or not? It’s okay if you’re not, but I hope you are ‘cause you look real big! Big is good. I’m gonna grow up to be big too. I’m gonna be this tall,” Lucas finished by finally freeing his hand and stretching his arms as far over his head as far as he could and standing on his tiptoes to extend the reach a little further.
“Mama said my Grandpa is a gov’rent agent, that’s like a policeman. He chases bad men and puts them in jail, and if they don’t do what he tells them to he shoots them dead, POW POW, just like that. I’m gonna be a gov’rent agent when I grow up. I’m gonna grow up big like my Grandpa and shoot the bad men too. I’m…”
“Going to make your Mama really sad if you don’t come over here and give her a kiss and a hug,” Michelle broke in.
Lucas grinned even wider and ran to throw his arms around his mother’s knees and hug tightly before carefully climbing into her lap, avoiding her IV lines with practiced ease, and gave her a loud smooch on her cheek. Rhiannon followed her brother at a much slower pace but the greeting she gave her mother was just as eager.
“Well, Grandpa,” Michelle asked when the children had finished their greetings, “What do you think of your grandkids?”
“I think they’re about the most wonderful grandkids a grandparent could ever have,” he said proudly.
“So you really are my Grandpa,” Lucas said, bouncing on his mother’s lap with glee.
“Yep, that I am, young Lucas,” Josiah told the boy with a grin. He turned his eyes to the little girl quietly observing him and said, “And pretty Rhiannon’s as well. Do you think I could get a kiss from my new grandchildren?” and held out his arms in invitation.
Lucas flew off his mother’s lap in a flash and threw himself into Josiah’s waiting arms and was pulled onto the man’s lap.
“You bet,” he cried and he wrapped his arms around Josiah’s neck and plastered a loud, wet kiss on his face.
Josiah threw back his head with a laugh at this enthusiastic welcome and jerked his knee up and down a few times, bouncing the little boy who roared his delight at the motion.
“Hey, I’m a cowboy!” he cried, “Ride ‘em horsie!”
Josiah laughed again then looked at his new granddaughter with an eyebrow raised in question. He patiently waited as the girl watched him for another moment then cautiously made her way to his side and crawled into his lap. She slowly placed a soft kiss on his other cheek and sat back to look into his eyes as if to gauge his reaction.
When Josiah smiled and bent his head to return her kiss with a gentle one of his own on her forehead, the little face broke out into a slow smile that reminded Josiah of the sun rising at dawn. It peeked out a little at first then steadily grew until it completely lit up the girls face with a happy glow that he found almost unbearably beautiful. He had to clear the lump of emotion that had risen in his throat at the sight before he could speak again.
“How is my pretty Rhiannon, today?” he asked.
“I’m fine, Grandpa,” Rhiannon told him softly, “thank you for asking. How are you?’
Josiah tried to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling at the serious politeness that the child had used to return his question and replied “I’m fine too. I’m going to have to introduce you to my friend Ezra. I think the two of you will get along great.”
He threw a laughing glance at his daughter who ruefully returned it.
“I’m completely forgetting my own manners,” Michelle told him. “Daddy, let me introduce you to my friend, Marcia Camner. Marcia, this is my father, Josiah Sanchez. Marcia has been taking care of the children for me. She’s been a godsend, and there is no better friend in the world.”
Marcia blushed at this and came into the room to shake Josiah’s hand, motioning him to stay seated since he currently had a lapful of children.
“I’m very pleased to meet you, Marcia,” he told her sincerely, “Michelle has told me a lot about you, and I think she’s right. She couldn’t ask for a better friend.”
“I’m happy to finally get a chance to meet you, too. Michelle has talked my ears off about you as well.”
“Nu-uh!” threw in Lucas as he looked at her and pointed a chubby little finger in her direction in reproof, “You told a fib. Your ears are right there on your head where they’re s’posed to be. I can see ‘em!”
“Maybe they grew back,” Marcia told him with a grin.
Lucas looked skeptical at this but all the adults in the room could tell he was considering the possibility when Rhiannon captured their attention.
“You don’t really shoot and kill the bad men do you, Grandpa?” she asked worriedly.
“Well, sweetheart, I try awfully hard not to. I’d much rather catch them and make them go to jail, but sometimes they try to hurt my friends or someone else that’s completely innocent. I can’t let them hurt people, so sometimes I do have to shoot them. I try really, really hard not to kill them though.” Josiah tried his best to reassure the child that Michelle had warned was so softhearted.
Rhiannon studied his face seriously and Josiah could see the moment she made up her mind to trust him. She nodded her head in understanding and said decisively, “Yeah, you can’t let them hurt people. That’s wrong. We should help people, not hurt them!”
“You’re absolutely right, Rhiannon,” Josiah pulled her closer and hugged her.
“Do you know any stories?” Lucas’ voice regained Josiah’s attention. “My friend, Marty, has a grandpa and his grandpa always tells him stories, and they go fishin’ when Marty goes to visit him.”
“Oh, I think I can remember one or two stories,” Josiah told the boy modestly, “and I love to fish. I’ll have to take you out to my friend Chris’ ranch. He’s got a lake just jumping with fish. You can almost stand by the edge of the water and catch them with your hands as they leap out of the water.” Josiah gave the lad a wink and a tickle on the ribs, getting a giggle in return.
“Does he have cows on his ranch, Grandpa?” Rhiannon asked.
“Not cows, but he does have horses.”
“Horses! Yipee,” Lucas cried out, “Can we go ridin’, Grandpa, like real cowboys? Please? I love horses. When I grow up I’m gonna have a horse, a black one with a looonnnggg tail. I’m gonna call him Blackie, and be his bestest friend. We’re gonna ride the range and punch cows, Grandpa!”
“That’s mean! It’s not nice to hit,” Rhiannon stated indignantly, “You should just leave them alone.”
Chuckling softly, Josiah hastened to reassure the little girl with, “It’s alright, sweetheart. They don’t really punch the cows. It’s just an expression.”
Rhiannon looked dubiously at her new grandfather, and turned to her mother for confirmation. She relaxed slightly at Michelle’s amused nod of agreement.
“Your grandpa’s right, Rhi. It is just an expression.”
“You can trust me, Rhiannon,” Josiah told her seriously, “I may tell you a story occasionally, or tease you, but I won’t lie to you.”
“Promise?” she asked.
“Cross my heart,” Josiah promised and drew his hand over his chest in the traditional motion.
Satisfied, Rhiannon smiled at Josiah and settled more comfortably against his chest, relaxing more with him than she had before.
“So what have you munchkins been doing since I saw you last?” Michelle questioned, thereby starting the children off on a complete list of their activities.
Josiah listened to the small voices competing with each other for their mother’s attention and felt his chest swelling with pride and love for the two children sitting so trustingly in his lap. Their laughter gave his heart wings, and he realized he had never been so completely happy in his entire life. Suddenly, he felt complete in a way that he had never known before, as if a piece of himself that he had never realized was missing had been slipped into place. A hole in his life had been filled with this new family, bonded to him with the blood of his blood.
The time passed quickly. Too quickly, Josiah decided as it became obvious to him and Marcia that Michelle was reaching the limit of her strength. When Marcia announced it was time to go, Josiah reluctantly said goodbye to his grandchildren and promised to see them again soon. He didn’t want to let them go when he drew them into his arms for a goodbye hug and kiss. He wanted to keep them close for fear that they would suddenly be taken from him, as their mother had been so many years ago. He knew it was a completely irrational fear, but still it haunted him as he watched them waving goodbye as Marcia led them from the room.
Josiah turned from the closing door to find Michelle watching him with understanding eyes.
“I always hate it when they leave me,” she whispered. “I never know if I’ll ever see them again. I just want to hold them and never let them go. I think I’d go crazy if I ever lost them.”
Josiah sat on the side of her bed and lightly stroked her hair.
“I think I did go crazy for a long time after your Mother took you away. I was devastated.”
Michelle reached up and took his hand between both of hers.
“I’m so sorry for what you went through,” she told him. “As a parent, I can imagine the anguish you must have felt. I only wish I had found you sooner. I think you would have been a wonderful father. I try not to blame Mother for her decision, but sometimes it’s very hard. I feel that we both missed out on so much because of what she did.”
“She loved you so much, Princess. Right or wrong, she only did what she thought she had to do to protect you. She was fighting the ghost of her father, and I made so many bad decisions I practically drove her away. I fed her fear instead of helping her overcome it. Looking back with the wisdom that comes with age I can see where we both made mistakes,” Josiah said sadly. “There’s one thing I want to make sure you realize though. I would never, ever, have raised my hand to you, Michelle. I don’t’ beat women or children. No matter how drunk I may have gotten in the past, no matter how angry I have gotten, I have never in my life been guilty of that heinous a sin.”
Michelle’s sweet smile felt like a balm to his sole as she squeezed his hands and replied, “You don’t have to tell me that. I already know it. I see the way you are not only with me and the children, but with everyone here at the hospice, and with your friends. You’re a protector by nature. You could never deliberately hurt someone smaller and weaker than yourself.”
“Thank you, sweetheart,” Josiah said, humbled by her faith in him, “I can’t tell you how much hearing you say that means to me.”
“It’s because I do know your nature and trust you that I’m going to ask you to do something very important to me,” Michelle said watching him closely. “We never talk about what’s going to happen to me. We talk around the subject, but never mention it. I know you’ve talked to my doctors. You know they don’t hold out much hope for me.”
“Michelle,” Josiah tried to interrupt her but she stopped him with a finger on his lips.
“I have to say it, Daddy. This is our reality, yours and mine. It’s something we both have to face. I am dying. There is no avoiding that truth. No one knows how long I have left, it could be tomorrow or a year from now, but everyone agrees on the ultimate conclusion. That makes time very precious to me. It was because time had become so precious to me that I wanted to meet you. Now I’m going to give you something else that’s very precious to me. When I’m gone, I would like you to take Rhiannon and Lucas and raise them.”
Josiah sat watching his daughter in an emotion-tense silence, torn between the anguished knowledge that she would be taken from him once more, and joy at the thought of the priceless gift she was bestowing on him, not only in the children themselves but in the trust she was placing in him.
“Will you do that for me, Daddy? Will you bring up my children for me? Teach them all you would have taught me if we’d had the chance? Love them enough for both of us?”
Josiah felt the tears welling in his eyes spill out and trace tracks down his cheeks as he swallowed the emotion that was building in his throat and answered from the very depths of his heart and soul, “I will, Princess. I promise, I will.”
Michelle smiled again as she leaned back tiredly and closed her eyes.
“And Daddy always keeps his promises,” she whispered as she fell into an exhausted asleep.
“Always, baby,” he whispered back, “always.”
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Josiah glanced into the rearview mirror to watch Rhiannon and Lucas singing merrily in the back seat of his old Suburban as he drove them out of Denver. They were in route to Chris’ ranch on the crisp winter’s day for a get-together with his teammates. Josiah was going to introduce his grandchildren to the rest of his family for the first time, and the excitement and pride he felt had him almost bursting into song himself.
Josiah had arranged to pick the children up from their temporary home with their mother’s friend, Marcia, and all three had gone to visit Michelle before heading out to Chris’ place. Walking up the stairs to the hospice with his grandchildren’s hands gripped trustingly in his own had been an emotional experience for Josiah. He sometimes still had trouble believing that they now belonged to him. He wanted to stop everyone he saw and tell them these wonderful children were his grandchildren, HIS, a part of his family.
He had to look down at them in wonder on occasion just to reassure himself that he wasn’t dreaming.
Rationally he knew they had faults just like any other human being, but emotionally he thought they were perfect.
Josiah turned off the highway and drove down the lane that led to Chris’s ranch. In the pastures behind fences on either side of the road, horses could be seen frolicking in the light snow that had covered the ground overnight. Josiah had to smile at the immediate reaction the horses caused when Lucas caught sight of them.
“Horsies! Look, Rhi! Look Grandpa! There are lots of horsies!” Lucas shouted, bouncing in his car seat in excitement.
“Yep, there are a bunch of them alright,” Josiah replied indulgently.
“There’s black ones, and red ones, and spotted ones… and look, Rhi, there’s a white one!”
“They’re so pretty!” Rhiannon cooed. “Can we ride one, Grandpa?” she pleaded.
“Perhaps. We’ll have to see how it goes, sweetheart,” Josiah said. “The horses belong to your Uncle Chris. We’ll have to ask him.”
“I want to ride a black one, Grandpa,” Lucas told him. “Will Uncle Chris let me ride a black one if I asked him nicely?”
“We’ll see.”
The conversation was interrupted when Josiah pulled the vehicle to a stop behind Ezra’s jag. He turned off the motor and swiftly turned around when he heard the tell tale scrabbling behind his head.
“Lucas! What’s the rule about the car seat?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Only an adult can undo it, right Grandpa,” Rhiannon sent her brother a superior look.
“That’s right, Rhiannon, but I was asking Lucas,” Josiah reproved her gently.
“I’m sorry, Grandpa,” the little told him with her head bent down at the correction.
“It’s alright this time, sweetheart,” he told her with a smile, “but you need to let Lucas answer for himself, okay? He needs to learn.”
Rhiannon perked up and returned his smile. Lucas shifted guiltily in his car seat as Josiah turned his attention back on the preschooler.
“I’m sorry, Grandpa. I won’t do it again. I just forgot,” Lucas said.
“I know, but you need to try to remember. The rules are there for a reason and I don’t want you to get hurt because you forgot to obey them. You certainly couldn’t ride a horse if you got hurt, now could you?”
“I will. I promise,” Lucas swore nodding his head so hard in agreement that Josiah started to wonder if it might come flying off.
“Alright then, let’s get you both out of those things and let the fun start!” Josiah told them with a grin.
After being released from their safety restraints, both children scrambled from the vehicle and stood taking in their first sight of the ranch while Josiah reached back into the Suburban and hoisted up the bag of munchies that he had brought to contribute to the gathering. As he started up the sidewalk with both children following him, the front door opened and Chris stepped outside to greet the newcomers.
Never one to be shy, Lucas raced ahead and almost leapt on the man in black.
“Are you Uncle Chris?” he asked expectantly.
“That’s right, sport,” Chris assured him, “and you must be Lucas.”
“Yes, sir. Can I ride one of your horses, one of the black ones? Please? I’ll be real careful. Really!”
Chris laughed and tousled the hair of the boy eagerly awaiting his answer.
“I think we can arrange that,” Chris told him with a smile.
“Cool!” Lucas yelled, then threw his arms around Chris’s knees and hugged tightly.
Chris had to catch himself on the porch railing to keep from falling as the enthusiastic embrace caught him off guard. In self defense, the man lifted the child up and held him on his hip as he greeted his two other guests.
“And this must be Rhiannon,” he smiled a greeting at the little girl holding on to Josiah’s pant leg. “It’s good to finally meet you.”
“Hello,” Rhiannon told him shyly. “Thank you for letting us come,” she finished politely.
“Now who does she remind me of?” Chris looked at Josiah with a grin before returning his attention back to the child. “You and your brother are very welcome here, Rhiannon. Why don’t we all go inside now and get out of this cold.”
Chris led the threesome into his house and helped them remove their outerwear before ushering them into the den where the rest of the team waited.
The large homey room was made even more comfortable by the big fire that blazed in the stone hearth. Every available spot on the couch and every chair was occupied and Josiah could see a few of his teammates and the children were making themselves comfortable on the floor. Lucas wriggled a demand to be let down and Chris obliged by setting the child’s feet on the floor.
“Wow!” Lucas cried and ran towards the fireplace, “that’s a big fire!”
Luckily, Vin and JD had stationed themselves in front of the fireplace to ward off the six month old Tanner triplets’ whose fascination with the fire was as great as the little boy’s, so were able to intercept the child before he could get too close to the flames.
“Whoa, there, pard,” Vin told the child with a smile as he hooked an arm around the little waist and brought him to a stop. “Got to be careful, son. Wouldn’t want you to get burned.”
“Oh. Okay,” the boy told him and curiously looked over the longhaired blond holding him then grinned and stuck out his hand, “Hi, I’m Lucas. Who are you?”
Vin took the small hand extended to him and shook it, chuckling in amusement.
“My name’s Vin, Vin Tanner. You can call me Uncle Vin.”
“My grandpa told me about you,” Lucas told him with a nod of his head, “That’s my grandpa there.” Lucas turned and pointed to Josiah who was still standing in the doorway watching in amusement. “You’re the man that has three babies and shoots real good, right?”
Vin’s chuckles turned into real laughs as he assured the child he was correct.
“These are my three,” Vin introduced him to the babies crawling around on the floor beside him, “This is Houston. That’s Dallas, and the one trying to chew off JD’s shoelaces is Austin.”
JD quickly reached out to retrieve his shoelaces from the baby’s mouth and pulled the child up into his lap.
“Hi, Lucas. I’m Uncle JD,” JD held out his hand and let the boy shake it, “Welcome to the family.”
“You like computers, right?” Lucas’ face lit up with excitement and he began talking very fast, “I like to play games on our computer but my sister always wants to use it to practice reading. That’s no fun. Do you like to play games? It’s always more fun to play with someone else, but Rhi never wants to play with me. Will you play games with me on your computer, Uncle JD? We could have lots of fun! ”
“Whooee, JD,” Buck’s laughing voice broke in when the child stopped talking in order to draw a breath, “He talks faster than you do!”
“Shut up, Buck!” JD threw his housemate an amused grin.
Buck was sprawled in one of Chris’ recliners with an interested Angel on the floor beside his chair. The child had been playing with her Barbie dolls when the trio of newcomers had entered, and she scrambled up and ran to the doorway where Josiah was watching his grandson in amusement. Angel hugged the man’s knees and smiled up at him in greeting then turned her attention to the little girl standing beside him.
“Hello,” Angel said looking at Rhiannon, “I’m Angel. Who are you?”
“I’m Rhiannon,” the child told her shyly still holding on to Josiah.
“Uncle Josiah’s your grandfather, right?” Angel asked and Rhiannon nodded. “Daddy told me so. He said I was going to get two new cousins. So you’re my new cousin?”
Rhiannon shrugged and said, “I don’t know. I guess so. I’ve never had a cousin before. I have a brother though.”
“I have three cousins, but I don’t have a brother. Now I have…” Angel carefully counted on her fingers, “Five cousins!”
“So what do cousins do?” Rhiannon asked anxiously.
Angel pointed to the triplets and said, “Not a lot so far. They’re the only ones I’ve had until now and they don’t do much yet. It’s kind of fun to help take care of them though. I sing to them for Uncle Vin and help him change their diapers and things.”
Rhiannon perked up and looked at the babies in relief, “I can do that!”
Angel handed one of the Barbies she was holding in her hands to Rhiannon and asked, “Do you want to play dolls with me? You can use this one.”
Rhiannon smiled eagerly and took the doll from Angel, “Thanks. I’ll be really careful with it.”
Angel shrugged as if to say, “Whatever” and took Rhiannon’s hand and led her into the room. Rhiannon glanced over her shoulder at Josiah who smiled in reassurance to the child and nodded his approval. The two little girls settled down on the carpet by Buck’s chair and began playing happily with each other.
“Would you like to introduce me to your new friend, sweetheart,” Buck asked.
“She’s my new cousin, Daddy,” Angel told him, “Her name’s Rhiannon. That’s my daddy.” Angel told the other little girl casually.
“Hello, Darlin’,” Buck smiled down at the child watching him so seriously. “I’m your Uncle Buck.”
“Hello, Uncle Buck,” Rhiannon studied him for a few seconds then gave the man with the kind blue eyes a smile.
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Ezra watched his friends and their children interact with the newest members of their rapidly growing family and smiled in satisfaction. Although each adult wanted to meet and welcome the two children, it had been agreed between them ahead of time that they would try not to overwhelm the children with introductions from too many people at one time. Even though each of the people present was more than willing to accept the children as now belonging to the group, they knew better than to push them too fast or too hard into familial relationships they might not be ready to accept. Ezra had been impatiently patient all morning, biding his time, waiting for his opportunity to meet the two children and get to know them. So far he had settled for observing the interaction of Buck, Angel, and Rhiannon, and JD, Vin, and Lucas.
Lucas had latched onto JD and Vin and the three had somehow gotten into a discussion of the best cartoons on Saturday morning television, although Ezra thought the word discussion was a little mild for the slightly heated debate that JD and Vin were engaged in, with plenty o