Someone To Watch Over Me
by Purple Lacey
 

Part 14
 

Ezra was lying in his big bed listening to the sound of laughter coming from downstairs and finally let the tears he had been holding back begin to fall.  He stuffed a corner of the pillow into his mouth so no one would hear him if he made a sound. 

Buck had put him to bed that night just like he had for the previous nights since Ezra had moved in.  The man didn’t rush through his bath time or story reading but Ezra knew Buck was looking forward to going back downstairs...to HIM.

 Ezra hurt.  Deep in his chest an ache had started when he had first seen Buck rush into the den and hug JD.  It had grown with every hour that had passed since then.  He had thought Buck loved him.  Chris had told him that he did, but watching the way Buck had been with his cousin made him realize that Buck couldn’t love him because he already loved JD.  He was just a substitute.  Someone to keep Buck from being lonely while JD was away. 

Buck had as much as told him so at the hospital that first night, but Ezra hadn’t listened well enough.  Buck had also told him in the limo the next day that Ezra kept him from being empty.  As Ezra thought back on Buck’s words, the meanings behind what Buck told him seemed completely different now.  Ezra just hadn’t gotten it until JD showed up today.  

The day had been bad enough already with having to re-live the horrors he had experienced under his stepfather’s roof, but then to have JD show up and just by being there serve to point out how stupid Ezra was for believing he could mean something important to the man that had taken him in...it had built up until the child couldn’t take it any more and finally broke down.  

His mother must be right.  He wasn’t good enough.  Nobody could love somebody like him.  He had better get used to it.

Ezra barely felt the loving arms that lifted him and held him close. He blindly collapsed against the person holding him, instinctively reaching out for consolation, and sobbed out his pain, grabbing handfuls of the cloth covering his comforter’s chest as an anchor in a world gone dark and frightening once more.

“I’ve got you, Ezra,” Chris’ soft voice murmured as the child wept.  He pulled the boy closer and began rocking him gently.  “You’re going to make yourself sick, Ez, and there’s no reason for it.  Buck does love JD, but he loves you, too.”

Ezra didn’t respond other than to cry harder.

“EZRA!”   Buck came skidding around the door frame and arrowed toward the bed at a run.  “Are you alright?  What’s wrong? Are you hurt?  Ezra?”  The big man called out anxiously as he ran toward the bed.

Buck had been laughing at something Vin had said, when he had seen Chris’ head snap up and throw a look at the ceiling before vanishing in an instant.  Buck’s heart had immediately begun to race and he had bolted out of the den and up the stairs with only that one overwhelming thought in his mind, “Oh God!  Something must be wrong with Ezra!”  He had rushed into the room and felt his blood freeze at the sight of the little boy sobbing in the arms of the Angel. 

Buck reached the bed and laid a hand on Ezra’s shoulder, only to have the boy flinch away from him and press closer to Chris to avoid his touch.  Buck felt like someone had taken a knife and slashed his heart to ribbons, but he pushed his pain away.  It was Ezra that was important here.

“Ezra?  Please tell me what’s wrong,” Buck pleaded softly but didn’t try to touch the boy again even though his arms ached to take Ezra from Chris and pull him close.  “Please, little man, let me help.”  Buck sat down on the bed facing the other two, worried and hurting.

The child stubbornly remained silent, his face pressed against his Angel seeking comfort.  Buck sighed in pained frustration.

“Somebody thinks he’s only being used as a substitute for JD, “Chris said quietly.  “He thinks somebody is only pretending that they care about him because they already love JD so can’t love him.”

“Ah, Ez, you have to know that isn’t true,” Buck argued with gentle insistence.  “I love you, little man.  I have from the moment I first saw you.  And you’re not a substitute for anyone.  JD is JD and there is nobody like him in this world so nobody could ever take his place with me.  But no one could ever be YOU or take YOUR place, either.  You two are each unique, but both of you are completely irreplaceable to me. 

I have room in my heart for both of you, Ezra.  You see, that’s the wonderful thing about a heart. The more people you love, the bigger your heart gets.   You can never fill it up.  A heart can stretch forever when it comes to loving.  It never runs out of room.   I can love you, and JD, and Vin, and Nathan, and Josiah, and Chris, and Nettie, and Casey, and...well you get the picture.  I can love all of y’all.  And I do, Ez.”

Ezra’s sobs had quieted while he listened to Buck, only the occasional hitch in his breathing and sniffle could be heard from the child as Buck spoke.  When the man fell silent Ezra risked a look at him.  Buck looked so sad and unhappy that Ezra reached out a hand to him before he even thought about it.  Buck grasped the little hand instantly and held it with both of his, thumbs stroking the back of it softly.

“Don’t you ever for one minute believe that you’re not loved, Ezra,” Buck said emphatically with sincerity blazing in his eyes as he looked at the boy.  “I will love you until the day they pat me in the face with a shovel.  Nothing and no one will ever change that.  I made you a promise that I would never lie to you about the serious stuff, didn’t I?  Well this is about as serious as it gets, so you know I’m telling you the absolute truth.”

Ezra pulled away from Chris and held out his other arm to Buck who grasped the invitation like a dying man did salvation and pulled the child into his arms and held him tight. 

“I love you, Ezra,” Buck repeated just because he thought the child needed to hear it.  “I love you so much!”

“I love you, Buck,” Ezra’s voice was so low it was barely audible, but the big man holding him heard, and felt like his heart would explode in his chest with emotion as Ezra uttered those precious words for the very first time. 

The two sat hugging each other quietly, Buck instinctively rocking them back and forth as he sat on the bed with his arms full of his little boy, and felt peace gradually descend once more.  Buck looked up at one point and saw Vin and JD standing in the hall right outside the doorway to Ezra’s room watching silently.  Buck stared with apology at them, planning to abandon Vin and the newly arrived young man to stay with the child that so obviously needed him more right now.

 He was gratified when JD smiled with gentle understanding and mouthed, “It’s alright.  You take care of him.  I’ll see you in the morning.”   Vin nodded and smiled sadly.  Buck nodded his gratitude and watched as JD slapped Vin on the back lightly and led the other man back downstairs.

Buck continued to hold Ezra and rock him while Chris looked on silently.   Eventually the child fell asleep and Buck reluctantly pulled back the covers and laid him on the bed. He tucked him in but didn’t leave. Buck stretched out on the bed beside the sleeping child fairly sure that, with all the boy had been through that day, a peaceful night’s sleep was not going to be in the cards for either of them.

“Give it time, Buck,” Chris advised him softly.  “Although I know it seems longer, you’ve only had him for three days.  His mother had him for six years.   It’s going to take time to undo all the damage she did.  It will be a long journey unlearning all the bad stuff his mother taught him, but he WILL get there, Buck. With love and patience, he’ll get there.”

“I hope you’re right, Chris.  It just tears me up to see him suffering like he was just now.   I don’t want to think about him going through the rest of his life with that kind of pain.”

“He won’t,” the blond angel told him firmly.  “There are too many people who care around him now who won’t let it happen.”

Buck’s attention was pulled back to the boy that had started to whimper in his sleep as a nightmare claimed him.  Buck gently shook the child enough to wake him before the nightmare got too bad.

Sleepy little eyes jerked open, a trace of fear from the dream still showing there, and immediately called out, ”Buck!”

“Right here, Ezra,” the man said softly while pulling the child up closer to him.  “I’m with you, son.  I’m not going anywhere. You’re safe.  It was just a bad dream.  It’s over now.”

Ezra sleepily grabbed onto Buck’s shirt and laid his head against his chest, never completely waking up.  The boy sighed softly before falling back to sleep. 

Part 15

Part 13

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